let's reborn

In Memory of Let's Reborn

2009-10-30T00:49:00.001-06:00

In its final moments, a memorial of Let's Reborn:

I've given this blog a passionate 3+ years and just as it lived, would like to have it go out strong. Otherwise I fear it may completely dwindle down to entries so seldom they are only entered out of guilt of neglect. While I haven't necessarily minded its slow evolution into more and more of a mom-blog, I've decided that the large amount of previous personal entries may outweigh my efforts to change the blog's nature and for now I would rather put it to rest.

Let's Reborn began on August 4, 2006 reluctantly. I've never been very successful at keeping a journal, but I wanted to have my say too when when I saw the opportunities and benefits of social feedback and sounding boards in the lives of others.

So my goal was for it to be a place for sharing my outlook on life, thoughts, philosophies, and yes, adventures, though I did want to avoid the trap of only reporting events in my life. I wanted it to be a place where I could be myself. But even that had to be constantly compromised, both for audience consideration and for the feelings of others. I don't think I succeeded at being considerate enough though and am sure that I hurt others. My intentions were not malicious but were to ignite more social awareness and to encourage people to think about what they want in life and what they're doing about it.
Also, it seems that I am constantly in need of serious psychological help.

I was raised a Mormon and I consider myself a Mormon though a "less active" one. I believe that many of my readers are LDS as well. Unfortunately the Mormon culture has been very prominent in shaping what is appropriate and / or inappropriate to discuss in public and private arenas. Specifically I've struggled with the fact that while we preach the necessity of opposition in all things, the social consequences of discussing negative experiences and the emotions that accompany them makes it unthinkable. My own drive for shared honesty about life and relationships combined with my social naivete have become too much for this blog. I have no desire to only discuss and share negative thoughts and feelings, but I have no desire to pretend that they don't exist and can't be addressed.

I recognize that it was a mistake to use my blog to share personal information that sometimes put others in a bad light. I wish I could inspire more honest conversations without hurting others. I sometimes wish I didn't crave connection and intimacy so much.

I'm including a quote from a book I thought was pretty lousy, but has made me think about what kind of person I am: "Maybe this inflammation of the spirit is a gift that can only be received by those whose prayers ask for a daily hunger than for bread."--Theo Grutter, Dancing with Mosquitoes

Lastly, I'd like to refer anyone seeking family updates to the blogs that survive mine:
My family outdoor adventures blog and my husband's blog.

Perhaps the end of Let's Reborn may give birth to a more family-update type of blog for the benefit and ease of sharing photos and stories with my loved ones who are far away. We shall see.

Moab part 2

2009-10-25T14:43:00.003-06:00

My trip to Moab for the race of course included a trip to Arches National Park. It was Bailey's second time there. My friend Aimee and her baby rode down with me to watch Bailey while I raced and hang out for the weekend. Tyler met us in Moab Sunday afternoon after the race to hang out for a bit before heading to Grand Junction for some work on Monday morning.

First stop was the easy Sand Dune arch. Bailey absolutely loved the sand. It was probably her first real time playing in fine fine sand like that.

Did a quick climb into Skyline arch.

The next morning we visited Double Arch and the short Park Ave hike.

It was the perfect time to be in Moab. I loved just taking Bailey for a little walk down main street and also she really enjoyed the pool at our hotel with the big lamps on outside at night and still pretty warm out.

The Other Half

2009-10-25T14:40:00.001-06:00

Remember back in March when I ran the 5 mile run at Moab's half marathon? I admitted that I liked the payoff even though I've never considered myself a runner and I doubted that I'd do something much longer despite common cries that races are addictive. Well I'm about to eat my words right now.

Again, I signed up with my sister April, honestly because she got me excited for it--she would be a great coach or personal trainer. She gets you pumped about doing stuff you hate to do just because she has so much enthusiasm of her own and then even when you tell her you're not sure you can do it, she keeps believing in you like no one has ever believed in you before.

I signed up sometime in May I think, but didn't start my training til I had to according to a 12-week schedule, that put me starting in late July. I wanted to do the race, but I just hated the practicing.

That was until I was finally able to do 5 miles comfortably. Then I only hated the longer practice runs, each time psyching myself up for them and praying I wouldn't have to walk at all. But I really liked my 5.6 mile loop run once a week.

Before race day my longest run was 10 miles and I'd clocked just over 10 minute miles. My goal for the half marathon, the 13.1 miles, was 2:09. My final time was 1:58:48, which works out to be a 9:04 mile pace. I finished 4 minutes behind April and she was there to watch me come in. When I looked up and saw the time and there was only a 1 in the front, I was so excited I sprinted to the end.

Thanks April for believing in me and I've been on a high for a week now based on my finish time. I'm not sure I'd ever go for anything longer or that I want to start from ground zero again, so I'm going to keep up with the running, at least once a week. I almost wish I could do another half marathon in a week while I'm in the zone and practiced. But I'm going to stick with my offer from my last race post: For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing, I enjoy those activities much more and am better at them too.

Reunion

2009-10-12T20:00:00.002-06:00

Dear son,

Your visit was the most wonderful gift I could have ever imagined. About six months ago when I wrote about getting in touch with the adopted family of my son it still didn't seem real that I would actually get to meet you. Again, I have to thank your wonderfully warm-hearted mother for being so loving and open and for bringing you with her for a visit all of the way from Alaska.

My heart pounded just seeing you and yet strangely, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even want to say anything at all, I just wanted to hear you really, to hear what your voice sounded like, and I was afraid that I would miss something if I moved when you spoke. Because of this, afterward I was a little worried that I didn't express my love enough. How could you really know how much I love you and how proud I am of what a fun and sweet and ambitious boy you have become? And what if I said too much and it was overwhelming or awkward to have such expressions coming from someone you have only ever heard about?

I didn't want to make you embarrassed, but I also wondered if you knew how much I would have poured and poured and poured out my love to you, but it would still have not made a good or very happy life for you had I not placed you for adoption at the time of your birth. Most importantly, I wondered if you ever knew how much your birth has defined the shape of my own life and my journey into adulthood?

My son, you have been a bigger influence on me than anyone in my life without ever even knowing it. I've always thought of you with such pride, and now that I've had the chance to meet you, I am convinced that you'll be able to do so much with your life and live it to the fullest!

I am so happy to know your mother and I can't say enough how grateful I am to her and her husband for giving you such a wonderful life full of family and friends and wonderful memories and experiences! I will be eternally grateful for her opening her heart to me as well. I never expected that I would have the chance to meet you, though it was something I had always hoped for.

I loved watching Bailey giving you kisses! I am sure you are a wonderful brother!

I love being a mom and with your visit, I again feel a renewed sense of purpose. Thank you! I can't wait to get to know you better over the years.

30-year Adventure

2009-09-22T22:38:00.003-06:00

Check out my outdoor blog for April and I's 30-year celebration hiking/camping trip at Zion National Park

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

In Bailey's room

2009-09-22T21:13:00.005-06:00

I finished Bailey's room a few weeks ago. Yes, it had been "finished" once before, meaning we had painted the room downstairs intended for Bailey to move into once she started sleeping through the night. Tyler had given me permission to do pink and so I picked pink and purple for the walls. Unfortunately, I didn't like it, and again, Tyler was willing to bear with me. But I knew the time was coming soon to move her out of the attached room to ours and into the one designated hers downstairs.

I wanted not a gender neutral room, but one that wasn't overwhelmingly feminine. I picked out some stencils online and ordered them and used leftover paint from some of the original colors as well as from Caiden's blue room. And this time I absolutely love the room. It feels perfect! I realize it's still not all matchy-matchy as far as furniture and design, but I love the colors now and the feel of it.

She started sleeping through the night almost the exact week of her 1-year-birthday. She occasionally does an early morning wake-up around 5:30 or 6:30, but has now been a pretty consistent sleeper until about 7:30 am 5-6 nights per week. I can't help but wonder if its because the room downstairs is a bit darker and more removed from the action upstairs after bedtime. But I honestly think it was just perfect timing, she finally just hit that period where she can sleep through the whole night. I don't regret keeping her up in the attached room for just past her entire first year and I don't think I could have done anything to ease the sleeping problems that were so persistent for so long.

She's such a beautiful dreamer!

All Her Favorite Fruit

2009-09-08T15:20:00.002-06:00

And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I'd like to take her there, rather than this train
And if I weren't a civil servant, I'd have a place in the colonies

from Camper Van Beethoven's "All Her Favorite Fruit"

Okay, I know it's a love song, a sexy one, but I have to say that it's perfect for Bailey. All she wants to eat is fruit for the last 2 weeks, won't touch a cracker, cookie, vegetable, cheese, or anything else hardly. So I show her on our world map where the fruits come from and all the places I wish I could go with her someday. And we have fun even when I'm frustrated that that's all she eats.

30 "Times-of-my-life" ---Long post!

2009-08-26T16:00:00.006-06:00

I just turned 30 and for my own sake wanted to recount my best 30 times of life so far. It's long. I wrote these kind of randomly, but it appears that either my memory isn't that good or that the last few years were just pretty awesome because most of them fall into the last few years. Also, it's pretty likely that I'll think of even better memories once these are actually published and regret not mentioning them, so forgive me if I forgot about the time we were on an incredible road trip together or saw the craziest thing ever.

1 & 2. The day I gave birth to Cade and the day I gave birth to Bailey, both totally different circumstances but I can't imagine any experience more rewarding and beautiful than having a baby.

3. When Tyler and I were dating in 2004 I think I fell in love with him the day he took me to the cemetery. We just skipped out of Sunday school and walked around there a bit and I don't know if I fell in love that day or just realized that day that I really liked him.

4. The day Tyler and I got married in 2005. We had our reception the night before and I loved the way it turned out with the Japanese lanterns and the lilacs and landscaping Tyler had done in his parents backyard.

5. Lake Powell day--I've only actually been there this one time but it was a perfect day, or mostly. I was at my archaeology dig in Escalante in 2001 and my sister, her boyfriend, and my oldest brother came to visit me. We drove down the Burr Trail to the lake and stopped at the first sign of water. Spent the whole rest of the day jumping off a rock into the water, over and over and over. Then when we were sunburnt, starving, and exhausted, we went looking for a campsite, but it was June and they were all full. Ended up throwing up our tents in one of the Deer Creek day use sites and attempting to eat the burritos April and Bill made, but they'd gotten soggy in the cooler. Still, a great time.

6. Petra, Jordan--We visited these Nabatean ruins when I was doing my semester in Israel in 2000. It was just plain awesome. Much more there than just the first building seen in Indiana Jones.

7. The day I really got up and waterskiied around a lake for the first time. It was at a Speer family reunion in Oregon in 1990. All summer I'd been working on waterskiing but not been able to stay up for very long at all. Then suddenly I could do it.

8. Climbing Ichizuchisan 2002--This was when I lived in Japan I scheduled a day to climb the tallest mountain on my island, (the 2nd tallest in Japan. Not huge or anything, but I loved doing it. Apparently its something a lot of Buddhist pilgrims do. The day I went was really rainy and I had anticipated a beautiful view from the top, instead the peak was enshrouded in fog, but I loved how much more mystical that made it seem. Coolest part was the last 1/3rd of the way required hanging onto some huge chains against the side of the mountain.

9 & 10. The day my sister had each of her boys. April has always been my best friend and maybe because she became a mom before me I've always felt very protective of them both and love them to pieces. That and they are my nephews too of course!

11. The day I got my bachelor degree from BYU in 2002. I totally bawled through the ceremony. I'm into rituals. They may not be necessary, but I love creating rituals around events and so graduation was a big deal to me. Traditions and ceremonies make things more meaningful to me I guess. Graduation just felt like a big accomplishment at the time.

12. The Modest Mouse concert I went to with Tyler in 2005. I love live music and have been to a lot of shows, but this one beat them all I think. We saw them again in 2007 and will see them again next week, but I have a feeling the 2005 one will remain the best.

13. Hiking Horseshoe canyon with Tyler in 2008. We normally make our first camping / hiking trip at the end of March, but this time we ventured out in late February, just Tyler and I. It was wonderful for us to break away and be alone for a weekend and for me to share a great hike with him.

14. Escalante trip 2007--I loved the hikes we did on that trip but have to isolate this to the day we actually arrived in Escalante. It had been 6 years since I'd been there for my dig and when we arrived I just felt as if I belonged there. We stopped and ran along the slick-rock for a bit to stretch our legs before checking into the campsite and setting up. Some of Tyler's family met us later on that night and the next night and we did some really cool slot canyon hikes, but I think the best part was just arriving there.

15. trip to the San Rafael Swell with Tyler in 2006. He'd been there once before with me, when we were dating, but hadn't liked it that well and it made me sad because I'm so in love with the Utah desert. Then when we went again the next April he had a great time and from then on has loved it as well.

16. When I got my MBA my parents gifted me with a weekend trip to Portland with Tyler. He had just been reading "Undaunted Courage" about the explorers Lewis & Clark. We took one of the days in the Portland area to drive along the coast up to Fort Clatsop. It was early January and though we didn't expect it to be warm, snow is not common in Portland. It was a breathtaking view the whole drive and cool to see the juxtaposition of snow on the beach with pine trees just behind the sand.

17. Liberty Jail day--When I got my BA in 2002 my mom took me on a congratulatory trip where we visited a number of LDS church history sites. I loved them all, but was most affected by our visit to the old Liberty Jail where the prophet Joseph Smith was held for a number of months along with some of his followers. Regardless of religious beliefs, it's a profound experience to learn of one man's persecution and horrible mistreatment by the law and yet hear of his continued faith and fortitude during that time. It was both heartbreaking and inspiring.

18. In high school I saw a play done by the University of Montana of the book "Grapes of Wrath." I read that book and didn't care for it much, not like I loved Steinbeck's "East of Eden." However, the play really touched me. In this case, the play was better than the book I thought and seeing the dire circumstances made it more real to me. The orchestra pit had been filled with water for a river that at one point someone was thrown into. And at the end of the play when the family is being poured on and they hide in a railway car as everything is being flooded around them, the theater had water dripping from the rafters. For some reason, this just really struck me about what an important story the story of the Depression is.

19. War and Peace--I remember the 2nd day on site for my dig in Escalante it snowed. It was early May and Escalante is high in elevation. The day before we had all gotten sunburns setting up camp and suddenly it was snowing. We went back to our tents and in the next 3 days I think I read the first 500 or so pages of War and Peace. I finished the book just about 8 weeks later when field school was over. It's one of my all-time favorite books.

20. When I saw Arlo Guthrie in concert at the Gallivan center in Salt Lake in 2004. It was a free outdoor concert and totally packed, but his performance was awesome. When he was singing "This land is your land" I felt so connected to the whole world.

21. My Kolob arch hike--I wish there was more opportunity for me to go on long hikes at my own pace, but there's just not. So this was a great great time for me. The hike totals 14 miles and I did it in about 5.5 hours and enjoyed every minute of it. It was early November 2007 and perfect hiking weather, I only saw 2 other people on the trail that day, the fall colors were out, the red sandstone was magnificent, and the creek was especially cool where it had carved out the rock.

22. the drive-in movies in Fairview Utah, 2008. This was at Tyler's family's reunion in Fairview when I was over 8 months pregnant with Bailey. We went to the drive in and watched a pretty stupid movie, but I had a great time just because it felt so incredibly good outside that night.

23. SLC Bee's baseball game in 2003. It was the 24th of July and my friend had scored some tickets to the game that night. I'm not into baseball, but it just perfectly cooler that day in mid-summer, and right at the end of the game when the fireworks were going off in the field it started raining. Very cool.

24. Las Vegas bowl game for BYU in 2006--this was the 2nd out of 3 trips to Vegas for the bowl game in December, but this one was the funnest I think. Tyler and I made a little longer trip out of it, it was the first road trip we took alone and thankfully it was great because I was beginning to think we weren't good road-trippers together and for me, that was a big deal. I remember having a great time when we went out to eat after the game with his younger brothers and sister at a little Mexican place on the strip that was hidden and practically empty, I think it was already closed or closing or something when we got there super late at night. They were super friendly and gave us free drinks because they forgot something?

25. Sundance festival 2006--okay this is a 10 day festival and I worked 80 hours of it on top of most of my 40-hour a week job and 3 or 4 school nights in the mix but it was by far my favorite year. I was the outside assistant manager which basically meant being in charge of crowds, waitlist lines, and the volunteers who helped out outside. I was absolutely freezing cold. I wore handwarmers on top of my toes, hot pants under my jeans, and as many more layers as you can imagine. But it was also the year I saw the most great movies and some actors and musicians I really dig.

26. First Call to Prayer experience in Jerusalem--I flew to Jerusalem for my semester abroad on my 21st birthday. The next morning in my little dorm room at about 5 am I heard the loudest wake up call ever in my life. Probably I imagined it so loud due to the exhaustion of having not slept before leaving combined with jet lag, but it sounded as if someone had a megaphone and was shouting the Muslim Call to Prayer right on the balcony of my room. I will never forget that.

27. 2 week stay in Galilee--I really prefer Jerusalem to Galilee just as I prefer the Old Testament to the New which is what each of those areas represent to me because of the way my classes worked in each location. However, the couple of weeks we stayed in Galilee during my semester abroad blur together kind of like a sweet dream. I remember sitting on the beach every day it seems for a while to read my book and swimming in the water everyday despite all the schoolwork we also had to do.

28. Florida trip with my family in the 80's. We took a week-long vacation to Florida, visiting Cape Canaveral, Disneyworld, Sea World, Epcot center, Daytona beach, etc. To be honest, I remember the trip pretty well, but because I'm an emotional person the only thing that stands out to me was how cool it was when at Sea World there was a little storm burst, just as there was on most days we were there, but this one had a brief but torrential downpour. I remember running to find cover and we ended up running to the "rainforest" portion of Sea World and just for a few minutes it felt like I was in the middle of the jungle and it was totally awesome.

29. Osaka trip in 2003--Just before I left Japan I took a second weekend trip to Osaka. I just love exploring places on my own and maybe it's because I can follow whatever impulse I have, to spend my whole day just walking walking walking or to stop wherever and whenever I want. Anyway I loved walking around Osaka and just taking it all in, all the lights and signs and shops and shrines, and figuring out which trains to ride, though sometimes aggravating, was part of the adventure of it.

30. Exploring Washington DC in 2003. My second trip to DC, I did this one staying at my cousin Amanda's place where she and her husband graciously hosted me. We went out to Mt. Vernon together and also got poured on briefly while there. We hit up an outdoor concert on Pennsylvania Ave and they showed me how beautiful old Alexandria was. I did some exploring on my own as well around the Smithsonians and the new spy museum and the subway system.

Again, as you can see, a lot of these memories are from trips and as trip hungry as I am, it's true that I've had a ton of great ones already. I have a ton of other great trip memories and others as well of simple things like walks and bike rides, but these 30 are the best I could do as far as what really sticks out to me when I look at the entire 30 years.

Highway signs for moms

2009-08-24T19:28:00.005-06:00

I laughed out loud reading these highway signs for moms on the back page of my Babytalk magazine. Maybe because I just made a trip to Boise with my twin sister and our kids crammed in the back. We got kicked out of the McDonald's outdoor playland area in Burley, Idaho because our kids weren't wearing socks. We were the only people out there and somehow the management saw fit to kick us out. There was no sign saying they needed socks though there were plenty of signs saying they needed their shoes off. And while I do understand germs can spread through bare feet, I'm positive those playlands aren't kept very clean to begin with and that's the risk you run when allowing your children some playtime along the road.

So, here are the Mom highway signs from the magazine:

Diner where folks won't give you the hairy eyeball for nursing--Exit 9

Forget Route 118: It's so bumpy your baby may barf up his entire last meal

Scenic overlook of three thrilling bulldozers in action--Exit 24

Rest stop with picnic area that's not insanely close to traffic: 300 yards on right

Only playland in tri-state area where they occasionally clean the ball pit--Exit 29

Pop in another Dan Zanes CD (no decent radio station for 50 miles)

Restaurant where waiters don't hand your baby a balloon just before you climb back into your overstuffed car--Exit 38B

Weight limit: Way, way heavier than you

Eyes crossing, next 60 miles (make your spouse drive--you need a nap)

Exit 4--Restroom with crud-free changing table

Bailey's First Year

2009-08-12T07:25:00.000-06:00

Click through to see the "scrapbook" I created of Bailey's first year, I made it to read like a children's story to document all of her major milestones.

Part Time with Schedule > Part Time On Call

2009-08-03T17:35:00.004-06:00

I am very pleased that it seems my schedule at work should be becoming a bit more regular now. For the past few months I've been working a little extra, covering while some were on vacation, maternity leave, paternity leave, sick, funerals, etc. While the extra work has been good for my bank account, and I was happy to help out considering the fact that I was allowed a 5-month leave of absence when I had Bailey, it turned out to be more difficult in actuality.

What happened couldn't really have been anticipated:

1. Tyler had to go out of town a few times during those couple of months for his new job.

2. I changed daycare providers 3 times during that time period, making a total of 4 day-care homes Bailey has been in since January. (All of whom I've liked, but for personal reasons, job changes, etc. they had to quit doing their in-home daycare services.)

3. Work was exceptionally busy (as it is in the summer, but this year topped others to date). Sometimes the database had crashed, sometimes we were just plain overloaded or had an unexpected shortage of staff, all things which couldn't have been helped. On those occasions I made last-minute arrangements to come in earlier than planned.

Altogether with work demands and Tyler's being gone this probably accounted for re-arranging my daycare schedule at last 8 times in the last 10 weeks. Since I was working an afternoon - evening shift and Bailey needed picked up by 5 at those homes, this required an effort almost one time per week to engage the services of friends, neighbors, relatives, etc., all of to whom I owe a HUGE THANK YOU!

That being said, I do really enjoy my job and am grateful that I'm able to work where a 10-15 hour work week is permitted and that I'm able to be with my baby as often as I am.

Moab Foreshadowing

2009-08-03T08:02:00.002-06:00

A few nights ago I had a dream about my upcoming half marathon in Moab--I'm running it in mid-October.

In the dream, I was forced to run the race in flip-flops because though I had brought my running shoes, for some reason we had to cross a stream to get to the starting point and I was unable to carry my shoes because this time they didn't have a "sweat bag" pick up to put items in that you carried with you at the waiting area. Somehow no one else had had this problem in my dream though and I remember being frustrated that their shoes weren't wet or that they were smart enough to have figured that part out.

So just two days following my dream, when heading to the rec center for my workout, my shoes were nowhere to be found. I've looked everywhere, but it's most likely that I left them at the rec center on Thursday when I went to workout and afterwards took Bailey and Caiden swimming there. I went home in my flip-flops.

I asked the rec center staff if my shoes had been turned in but they haven't. I guess I'll get a new pair of running shoes out of this, but I sure hope I don't have to run a race in flip-flops.

If any readers are interested, I'm kind of looking for someone to go with me for the car ride to Moab and to watch Bailey for the couples hours I'll be running. I promise a shared hotel room and some hiking in the area afterwards.

Uintas Confession

2009-07-19T12:29:00.001-06:00

Read about my recent trip to the Uintas over on my family outdoors blog.

Gilgal Made Over

2009-07-13T22:48:00.004-06:00

I paid another visit to one of my favorite places in Salt Lake City. I blogged about it before, here, but it's really worth re-visiting (literally and figuratively). My friend Katie was in town and we met for dinner then headed over to check it out. It was Bailey's first time there too, though I know we'll be going many times.

I was a little bit sad that Gilgal Gardens seems to have gotten a makeover recently. I dislike that kind of thing because makeovers have a way of bringing more people around when you want to keep a place all to yourself (like why did they ever decide to pave the road into Maple Canyon??). But I can't exactly say that I didn't enjoy all the fresh flowers around either, or that they didn't add to the beauty and overall exotic-ness of the place. Bailey loved the flowers too so I couldn't be upset about them, though I fondly recall hopping over the torn fence the first time I visited it in a more dilapidated condition.

In the photo below I'm pointing out an inscription I particularly like, one that I had at one time kept memorized because I loved it so, and have of course forgotten even after the reminder the other night.

Bailey tried reading some rocks too : )

See Katie's complete set of Gilgal Garden photos here, including the infamous Joseph Smith sphinx and the creator's sculpture of himself.

Already becoming so Bailey

2009-07-13T22:08:00.006-06:00

It's amazing to me how Bailey has already developed so much personality and individuality. She just hit 11 months and part of me already has anxiety about the 1 year mark and what that means (I'm thinking of titling that blog "365 sleepless nights"). But I do love getting to know her and who she is and more about who she will be as she becomes more of her own person!

Right now Bailey's favorite thing to do is still to unload a drawer, cabinet, bag, purse, etc. as seen in this photo:

Her favorite place to be is anywhere outside.

She says "Uh-oh" and "ball" really well and clearly understands what each of them means. She points up in the air every time she hears an airplane even when we are indoors. She "barks" back at the dogs when she hears one outside.

She still just has the bottom two teeth, but is anxious to eat anything and everything in sight, especially if it is going in someone's mouth. I can see the beginnings of one of her top teeth now and I think it won't be too long before it breaks through.

She still hasn't slept through the night. (Well one time she did, when we were camping, but I do not count what was an extreme outlier in her patterns, and anyway I couldn't sleep out of paranoia about the fact that she was actually still sleeping. That and also because her all-time worst night of sleeping was also on a camping trip. The two nights pretty much just cancel each other out.)

She takes two naps a day on days where I care for her at home though she's a bit more stubborn about doing it on day-care days, those days she might take a short snooze in the car when Daddy picks her up. I would like her to sleep through the night of course, but I've stopped hoping for it and stopped thinking it was entirely realistic though common at this age. I am dealing with it quite well I think except that I've become a bit neurotic about the way the sheets should be on the bed. : )

Bailey is starting to give cuddles more and more too despite the fact that she's such a wiggle worm at play. She occasionally will draw back from me and then lean in and lay her head down on my shoulder. It's so sweet. My friend Katie took these photos of Bailey giving me a hug outside a restaurant the other day and also one that really captured Bailey's bright blue eyes and white hair and tan arms. Thank you Katie I love these!

Walking, Talking Baby Doll

2009-06-30T22:04:00.002-06:00

Check out Bailey's walking and talking skills over on Tyler's blog here. He put together a few videos we've taken of her walking and her attempts to talk on the phone, though I'm not sure where she got the idea to hold the phone all the way behind her head. She is already a better walker and will be running before we know it I'm sure.

She is getting more and more grown up every day. I took this the other day of her playing with her high chair, she played there for a long time just chatting away about something. Her hair is getting longer and thicker too, but it is so incredibly light that it hardly shows up in pictures at all.

Baby Bird

2009-06-28T21:59:00.001-06:00

Bailey and I were at home getting ready for the day when I opened the door to the garage to check on something and right there on the mat was a baby bird. Most likely the bird was injured though I couldn't see how or where. But he only took small little steps and didn't get spooked at our curiosity. Bailey was very interested in it and every time we came near to the garage again would kick her legs and lean forward out of my arms to see inside (she loves animals). This was while I was trying to take pictures of it. I stepped down and opened the door to the back yard in case it might be able to walk outside and a few minutes later when we came back it was gone. I hope it survived.

Conor Oberst and the mystic emotional basketcase.

2009-06-21T22:02:00.009-06:00

I went to see Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band with the HB on Saturday. I was really looking forward to it having seen him in 2006 when he was touring as "Bright Eyes". It was an incredible show then, and I knew it would be incredible again. I was long overdue for a good concert too and the summer outdoor shows can be especially moving.

I've liked his music from the very start, for how expressive and raw and un-manufactured it is. And I'm particularly liking this new turn towards a more folk-rock sound that retains his original intensity. I don't believe intensity should be sacrificed for anything, probably it should, but I've never found reason for it.

I am still reeling from the emotions of the past several weeks. And the show really got me thinking. I've discovered what my problem is, you may laugh, but bear with me. I feel like I have all the passion of an artist, but none of the talent. Perhaps if I were a musician, a painter, a writer, or an actress people would value my ability to articulate what I'm feeling, but because I have no such talent my expressiveness is deemed inappropriate.

That may sound a bit defensive, but in truth I never meant to hurt anyone. I have made very careful deliberations about what needed to be censored on this blog while still allowing it to represent who I am and the way I experience life. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I DO wish that personal pain was something people were more willing to discuss. I begin to feel a bit robot-ish when I'm not able to express myself, and I have a totally irrational fear that I will stop feeling alive when I allow myself to stop feeling things. I found it really refreshing to discuss true emotions when I participated in group therapy for a short while when I was at BYU. I just wish there was more honesty about the way marriage is and the way religion is and just more honesty about the way people are and the way they feel things.

Thank God there are rock concerts for letting some of that stuff out. Now if only I were a rock star.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-19T23:42:00.004-06:00

I loved being able to see Tyler become a father all over again this last year. I loved how sweetly he sped to the hospital to see Bailey and I between coaching two football practices a day that first week of practice. I love to see him now as he plays peek-a-boo with her and he helps her "practice" her gymnastics by flipping her in the air. She adores her father so much and just loves to sit outside and watch him work in the yard.

This year Tyler will coach Caiden's little league football team again. Caiden adores his father too, though he might not like my use of that word. He always has to keep tabs on where Tyler is at and often asks him before bed to play a short game of sword-fighting of Call of Duty. This year Tyler taught him how to rappel and now it's the first thing he wants to do when we arrive in camp. Tyler is an excellent teacher.

Here is a picture of me and my dad when I was little.

I don't remember that picture specifically, but I do remember loving it when he played his violin.

When I was little he sometimes had to go on overnight business trips and would take turns taking each of us. I remember one time on such a trip I had just learned to count to 100 and I did it aloud for him in the car. I remember finishing and then asking him if he wanted to hear me do it again and I remember him saying yes. I can't imagine how annoying that must have been, but it seems an important memory for such a small little event.

One of the greatest things my dad taught me when I was little was to help me learn to waterski. I hated it the first time when I was 9. I couldn't control the skis and they always ended up behind me with my legs behind me and I couldn't get them to come around in front and then stay parallel pointing up in the water. Eventually the next two summers my dad would get in the water behind me (he did this for my sister and I) and he would hold the bottom of the skis steady under the water and wait there while I took off and went as far and long as I could. At first that wasn't far at all, but eventually it got longer and longer and the end of the summer I turned 11 I finally was able to waterski for a long time and began to learn to get up on my own. A few years later he led us kids in being able to drop a ski and eventually get up slalom waterskiing. I love waterskiing still and thank my dad for teaching me!

Evidence of Independence

2009-06-08T15:37:00.002-06:00

See my post below about how if you have ears that stick out it means you are fiercely independent.

I am on the right, with the ears that stick out to there.

Check out Bailey's ears, perhaps this is why she still doesn't sleep through the night--she has a mind of her own!

Wisdom of my face

2009-06-08T11:20:00.003-06:00

I caught just a few minutes of the radio on my way in to work this morning and they were discussing Chinese Face reading with an expert who recently wrote the book "Wisdom of Your Face." Lucky for me, I caught a portion about a facial feature I have, or at least was very prominent when I was a baby and that Bailey and I share. That is our ears stick out. From the blog:

So what in Barack Obama’s face might have contributed to his success? Here is what Chinese Face Reading has to say:

1 - His ears stick out. This reveals a highly independent nature, not always doing what he’s told.

Highly independent? Sounds pretty accurate to me. Interesting stuff.

Wishing I was a Brother

2009-06-05T10:27:00.007-06:00

Growing up my sister and I were often envious of our brothers' 50-mile hikes each summer. Since boyscouting was sanctioned by our church, we would eventually approach our Bishop and request that the young women be able to have their own 50-miler. Of course the hopeful words from him never actually came to fruition.

For just a moment here let me be the victim. Let me just say how unfair it all is and how my heart is breaking over it before you tell me how miniscule it is and how oversensitive I'm being. Let me say how I am not sure I'll get over it or when I'll stop crying every time I think about it before you tell me I shouldn't express negative feelings in a public place.

When you're growing up people tell you "life isn't fair" but no one ever says "life is a bitch," just like when you're getting marred people tell you "marriage is hard" but no one ever says "sometimes marriage is a world of pain."

In this case, I would say life is certainly a bitch. I pride myself on knowing what I want and working hard to get it. I'm attracted to people that are decisive and ambitious and I think that's because that's how I see myself or maybe it's just how I try to be. So when I've said over and over that I want to do something, but been denied the opportunity, it breaks my heart that the same person who would deny me would gladly give that opportunity to people who have never asked for it or even perhaps realized they wanted it before such an opportunity was presented to them. Am I less worthy? Am I less deserving?

Some may say "let him have time to himself" to which I would say "I do. I've encouraged numerous activities that wouldn't have even taken place if I hadn't suggested them as well as willingly sent him to others when I would have rather had him with me." I've stood by as he got invited to do something by others that I asked him to do and watched him go with them.

I'm not heart-broken that he's going on a technical canyonnering camping trip with his brothers and not with me, I'm heart-broken that when I ask to do something hard-core, when I'm bursting to try something new, to explore the unknown together, I get turned down and then suddenly, the trip is planned as a brothers-only occasion.

I love being a woman, but I sure wish I was somebody's brother.

And You Will Tell Them Yes

2009-06-05T09:49:00.003-06:00

This is from an old Nike ad that I love, it inspires me in so many ways:

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."

It's amazing how overtime we forget that that's what we're hearing all around us all the time. How you can live your life thinking you won't let it get to you and then suddenly realize you've been letting it happen for a really long time. And something cheesy, though powerful, cheesy because it's a marketing gimick, moves you to snap out of it again.

Caiden's Summer

2009-05-28T16:17:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure, but I think he might be having some fun this summer.

I'm going to do my best to help out, but I'm not sure what the picture is, is he cuddling with his girlfriend on the couch? :) He would die if I asked him that.

Eaters of the Rocks, Drinkers of the Rain

2009-05-23T22:05:00.014-06:00

Our first camping trip with Bailey didn't go as well as we'd hoped it would so this one seemed to have the same anticipation build up as that. I don't think we've ever gone 6 weeks between trips in the spring time. And as excited as I was, I was struggling with anxiety about everything, going somewhere new on a holiday weekend, getting any sleep, and being able to get some decent exercise and exploration in. So oddly, Tyler and I decided to change our plans in the hopes that at least a familiar place would relieve some of the pressure for things to go well on this trip. Though I would have loved to try a new place, I knew I would need to be flexible about hikes falling through and thought that might be a shame if it was something I'd never done before. Lucky for us, Tyler had some friends going to the San Rafael Swell this weekend that we'd been meaning to go camping with for a while We coordinated to meet them Thursday morning for a hike and take it from there.

After a long car ride, Bailey was eager to wiggle her little cinnabuns around so I put her down in the sand to play. I figured she was going to get dirty anyway, let it happen and clean her up afterward rather than fight it all day. Not surprisingly she began immediately popping rocks into her mouth. I condone this only because I watch her very closely and because she is so damn set to do it anyway.

We hiked Crack Canyon which for some reason I didn't remember being so awesome? Perhaps when I was there before we didn't hike as far back or my memory of it was drowned out by the memory of a camp chair falling in the fire with the car keys in the pocket and a dust storm in the middle of the night and getting lost when I came out of the canyon and also getting my car stuck on a huge shrub the night we arrived. Yes, that all happened on the same trip, August 2004.

So anyway, Crack was awesome and so were Tyler's friends.

And most incredibly--Bailey slept through the entire night that night! That was her first time in her life to do that, including any night at home. We borrowed Tyler's brother's tent (much larger and taller than ours) to try setting up Bailey's portable crib in it and it worked. I couldn't believe she slept so well. She even took a great nap in the pack-n-play the next day too, and she looked really snug in there.

Friday all of us hiked out to Wild Horse Window, or as we later learned is actually named Skylight Arch. I love the canyons, but this reminded me of how much I just hiking right on the rock. I mean, we usually pick a campsite that has rock to climb on right around us anyway, but this was just really nice and here and there would be a different colored wild flower for me to show Bailey and let her learn about it (mostly with her mouth) as we hiked to the next one.

Tyler and I and the kids took a quick drive to Hanksville to get some ice and because none of us had ever been there. There was a cool old church and it was good to know how close it was and what was there.

Then Bailey did not do that well that night (last night) and the rain never once let up either. A friend of mine met us at the campsite late and unfortunately had to set up in the rain and basically wait it out til morning. But this morning it was still raining and there didn't seem to be any sign of it letting up. We had all been up a lot in the night and up early with Bailey so like the schmuck friend that I am, I bailed and we decided to drive back home today.

We did first pay a visit to Goblin Valley despite the potential mud baths we could get there with it being so wet and rainy. It was cool to see all the streams formed in the park with the little bit of moisture.

Once we knew we were headed home later, I wanted to get Bailey as much outside time as possible before getting in the car. I also really hoped that I could play in the rain long enough and get my clothes wet enough to warrant Tyler stripping me down and wrapping me in a blanket for the ride home, but alas, he wouldn't have any of that in front of the children. So we headed back home in our dirty clothes and I will be folding them just as soon as I'm done here.

A few other favorite pictures from the trip:

Watch Tyler's blog as well as our family outdoor adventure blog for more detailed accounts of these hikes. Also, tons of pictures on our Flickr site in the San Rafael section.

Four

2009-05-14T22:08:00.002-06:00

Today is mine and Tyler's four year anniversary. He started out the morning in Grand Junction, Colorado and is in Telluride tonight visiting some of the properties he is over. He sent me some beautiful flowers. My neighbor got them for me because I didn't hear them while I was putting Bailey down. When I came out he told me he had my flowers and then I made him show me the little gopher he had caught in his yard. I have to admit the gopher was absolutely adorable albeit pesky.

I think I've talked more than I should have here about my marriage, and probably because it was such a huge adjustment for me and because I'm an idealist about things. I'm happy to be celebrating my fourth year with Tyler. He is the world to me. I can't imagine not being married to him and I would marry him again any day!

I love you babe!

Peekaboo 2

2009-05-14T21:35:00.002-06:00

Yes I know I already posted a video of her playing peekaboo, but this is just too irresistable!

She was 9 months old on Tuesday. She weights 17 pounds and 1 ounce now (in the 20th percentile), and measures 27.5 inches long (the 50th percentile for height). I'm so impressed with what a happy baby she is, how smiley she is to everyone and how playful and full of life and energy she is, even if diapering her is like wrestling a crocodile!

My Breakup with 24 Hour Fitness

2009-05-02T23:37:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I broke up with 24 Hour Fitness.

It was hard to do, and took a lot of deliberation, but it needed to be done. However since notifying them of this breakup I've been informed that it must be prolonged until July 24th, so I guess I"ll have plenty of awkward moments to look forward to in the coming months as I continue to use the gym with them knowing full well my intentions to leave.

I've been with 24 Hour Fitness longer than with any other gym, but since having Bailey have cut my visits to 3-4 times per week (instead of 6-7). I now work out at home a couple of days a week, something I never thought I'd be able to do, but it's hard to get to the gym with a baby and fit it in before work, and thanks to Exercise TV and April for the great downloads, I have some home workouts that I really love and that really kick my butt!

Instead my family will be signing up for a membership at the nearby Oquirrh Park Fitness / recreation center. It's right by the Olympic oval and just as close as my gym was to the house (I think about 2 miles?). Anyway, we can all have a membership there for less than my gym membership was costing me personally. Not that we will all make it there often to work out, it will still be me primarily using the benefits, but this way, we can use their pool for free anytime all we want. They have a really sweet set of pools that make it all worth it when you have kids--a lap pool, a diving pool, an indoor pool w/ mini lazy river and waterslide and swim lanes, and a great kids play area and pool outdoors too. I'm not joking, the kids play area and pool is really incredible for a local rec center, tons of little fountain thingys and squirt guns and giant buckets that dump water, super shallow areas and so on.

So I'll look forward to using these benefits when we actually sign up there come July.

In the meantime, I'll still be sweating it out with my ex-gym.

A Plastic Chandelier

2009-04-23T10:38:00.002-06:00

I love this plastic chandelier made of recycled containers. Check out the picture here on the blog Daily Dose of Imagery.

Flesh-seeking Kangaroo

2009-04-12T12:32:00.003-06:00

Before Bailey was born, I read about "Kangaroo Care" for babies. It's just a sort of philosophy that children need skin to skin contact with parents and that giving it to them makes them happier, and helps them feel more safe. Kangaroo care involves holding your baby and playing with your baby while you're both naked to have as much skin to skin contact as possible. Mostly just laying on mine or daddy's chest, or being held belly to belly.

Perhaps this practice has made her the grabbiest, pinchiest, slappiest baby ever. When she's nursing she has windmill arm going on one side, just around and around to touch whatever is in reach. When I'm rocking her to sleep she grabs at my neck and sleeves, always looking for some skin, even when she's not hungry. When we're swimming and I'm holding her she blows on my shoulders. She always reaches out to grab Caiden's or Daddy's face or anyone else that gets close enough to her. She pinches noses and chins and necks and scratches too. She's never trying to hurt you but she can be pretty strong.

So maybe it was the Kangaroo Care or just taking after me. Whenever I complain to Tyler that he hasn't touched me enough he'll say, "But I hug you all the time" and I'll tell him "no no no, you have to touch my skin." What can I say? Bailey knows what she wants. So fair warning to those who hold her. She's a pincher/scratcher. But she's adorable and cute and kisses too!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T12:19:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Tyler!

2009-04-11T08:28:00.003-06:00

I love you you hottie!

(taken from the 80's music video he made with his brothers)

Yours and Mine

2009-04-07T21:25:00.005-06:00

Almost 2 weeks ago a new door opened up for me. One I wasn't really expecting to open up for me, one that I feared if it did open up for me would mean something was wrong. But nothing was wrong and the most unexpected happened, and yet it doesn't seem all that unbelievable.

Suddenly there is a new part of my life, or a part of my life re-awakened. It makes me feel more whole, but it doesn't really change anything.

The baby boy I gave away over ten years ago is again part of my life. He's not a baby anymore, he's a tall and handsome and incredibly smart and adventurous kid! And not only do I feel a renewed connection to him, but I feel part of the whole big family that is his now and that is what makes me so happy! I am so happy for him, for them, and grateful that they would allow me to be part of it!

I can only blog about what is my life and would feel out of place blogging about what is theirs, but I just have to say what wonderful parents he has. I can only hope to be as full of love and as accepting as they are and as patient and willing. My impression will always remain that the circumstances of our lives collided and he was meant to be theirs, that I will never regret the difficult decision I made because he couldn't be in any better hands, though I will always fiercely love him as my own too.

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Where's Bailey?

2009-04-05T20:33:00.001-06:00

Peekaboo!

Knee Pain explained

2009-04-01T10:37:00.002-06:00

Occasionally I get knee pain. I usually just figure it's because I did the stairstepper the day before at the gym, or maybe lots of squats that day or whatever. Sometimes I can't really explain why for a few days my knees will really bother me and then suddenly they don't.

Women's Health magazine ran an article last month that really made sense to me and I'm sure it's true in my case. It said that while a woman is ovulating, higher estrogen levels cause a decrease in collagen in the ligament, making the ACL looser.

For me, this information was wonderful to have--one of my greatest fears is a knee injury. Now I know when to be a little more careful and can also understand why my knee bothers me more at some times. Hurray again for Women's Health, I love that magazine!

Story Corps

2009-03-31T12:32:00.003-06:00

NPR's Story Corps buses are here!

Almost 4 years ago, when I was working for missionary travel, I was sitting in the Lieutenant governor's office at the capital, waiting for some apostilles on birth certificates to get missionary visas. While I was waiting I picked up a copy of Atlantic Monthly on the coffee table. I don't know the first thing about that magazine still or who their readers are. But I read an article about Story Corps, an organization for gathering stories, or rather, interviews, and recording them. I was instantly intrigued, I was an anthropology major after all.

Though the idea of recording interviews or writing down stories from individuals' histories is not entirely new, I commend their recognition of how important it is! The bus travels around the nation to different cities, while some cities have permanent locations such as booths in subway stations, for the recording and archiving of these stories. The participants of course receive their own copy, but the stories become forever part of Story Corps collection and some are played on NPR.

I love it because I believe everyone has a story. And those stories evolve over time and our view of those things evolve as well as what we learn and how we change due to those stories. This has been especially true for me.

I wish I had recorded some of the stories that H. had told me before he had died. Each of my parents have some written stories of their ancestors, and I love hearing about them. I'm not sure how I'm going to participate yet, but I feel the need to participate, to know something more about someone's life who is close to me. I'm just excited that they're here and I think it's such a wonderful opportunity, something you can do on your own anytime, but why not do it for a public record?

The stories I've listened to make me feel more connected to people all over the world, perhaps that is why I have no hesitation sharing stories of my own. I crave intimacy above all things. Visit the Story Corps website here.

Canyonlands 5 mile run

2009-03-21T19:39:00.019-06:00

Trying new things is something I absolutely love, though it turns out there's not much that I'm really good at. There are some things that I have tried over and over again just to be with friends, meanwhile hoping and telling myself that someday I will enjoy it more or actually get somewhat decent at it. It's frustrating sometimes, but the experiences are always worth it.

So last fall April asked if I was interested in doing the Canyonlands half marathon with her this March. I'm not a runner, never have been. But it's a beautiful course through country we both love. Since I had just had a baby in August, I figured I could do the 5 mile run on the same day as the half marathon and signed up. And since being outdoors and being active are probably two of the most important things in my life besides my family, I was game.

At first I shrugged it off as a wussy race, after all, I workout at the gym every day, doing mostly cardio stuff. Then I started to get a bit nervous, I hardly ever run for those 40 minutes, I hardly ever run at a racing pace either. I knew I could do 5 miles though, so I just kind of let it go at that, not really training, telling myself it would just be for fun. That worked pretty good, but then when you tell people you're running in a race, there's an expectation that you want to do well, and I got nervous again. I heard that races were addictive, that once you do one, you'll want to do more, longer, harder, etc. I'm still wondering about that, but here's how it went.

My goal was to do 9 minute miles and finish in 45 minutes. I had never actually done this, but thought it was do-able. I told Tyler it would be unlikely though and to count on me at the finish line somewhere between the 50 minute and 1 hour mark. That seemed more likely considering how horribly Bailey slept on our trip down to Moab and the night before the race in the hotel.

I surprised myself by how well I did and also by how hard it was. My final time was 43:44, but I felt pretty dead when I finished. It did feel absolutely wonderful to see Tyler and Bailey there at the end though and I think I'd consider doing that 5 mile run again. What I loved most about it was the community of the whole thing. I loved how at the start line I saw people of all ages, parents with children, couples, groups of friends, etc. I loved how the city supported the race, how children waited on their front lawns to high five us as we finished up the last miles in town.

April did incredible on her 13 mile run and is considering doing it again or another race (this was not her first). For now, hit me up if you want to go hiking or waterskiing (you bring the boat please), talk books or movies, but like I said, I may do the 5 mile run again.

What is especially nice is that since we are in Moab, this afternoon after the race we got to visit one of the canyons and tomorrow we'll do a bit more hiking around before heading home. So here are a few shots of me hiking and playing in Hunter canyon.

the state I live in

2009-03-10T11:42:00.004-06:00

I love Utah, but have to admit how absolutely embarrassing it can be sometimes that our tax dollars can be spent on days or weeks or months of discussion over the most ridiculous legislative issues. Is it really better if alcoholic drinks are mixed away from the eyes of children? Isn't "shielding" children from the truth sort of denying them the chance to learn about it? Would not knowing that some people choose to drink alcohol keep you from ever trying it later?

What bothers me about this is that rather than creating a culture of honesty, we're creating one that encourages people to keep secrets. This is really something that bothers me about being a Mormon. So many things are frowned upon either by belief or by social and cultural consequences that I believe there is a great deal too much shame, insecurity, and then secrecy created.

Shouldn't a religion inspire honesty?

Learning to Play Catch

2009-03-08T18:39:00.003-06:00

When I started to roll the ball with Bailey I really couldn't believe that she could, or even that she wanted to try to roll it back to me. She impresses me all the time with the things she wants to do and is learning to do!

AND she plays an instrument

2009-02-27T21:01:00.005-07:00

Cute and talented!

Also, check out her head tilt action.

Places I've Lived

2009-02-26T20:37:00.013-07:00

I haven't owned that many vehicles (see Tyler's blog), but I've lived in a lot of apartments. So in short, the places I've lived as an adult prior to getting married. This is long, I'm trying to keep it to just some info about the places I lived, and not a life narrative.

Just after graduating from high school I moved into the dorms at BYU and attended the summer term. There is nothing else to say about that semester except that I didn't spend much time in my dorm.

Then I moved in with B and H in Longview, Washington, around September 1997. I had a bedroom in the front of their house, my first time ever having my own room in my life. I was pretty awkward there, partly the situation, and partly because I guess I didn't know how to make friends without my more outgoing sister around. So I never had friends over, except for the boy who became my sort of boyfriend, who wanted to be my hero I think.

Then I moved back home to Missoula and lived with my parents again in May 1998. I worked 2 jobs and spent any free time hanging out with people from the LDS institute there.

I got accepted back into BYU and headed down to Provo in January 1999. I moved into the dorms again (Deseret Towers) and this time experienced what living in the dorms is really like. My roommate was the only one I've ever had that I wasn't particularly friends with, she had got engaged over the Christmas break and so spent most of her time with her fiance. They got married halfway through the semester and so I had the room to myself after that. The girls next door to me were super friendly, and between them and 2 other rooms, we had a good little group for going to movies, ice cream, etc. I never really hung out in the "common" rooms, but more often in the other girls' rooms, one room had a small tv where we watched movies, other times we'd just pile around on beds or on the floor for late-night talking.

With the girls from my dorm floor we all moved to the apartment complex Roman Gardens in the fall of 1999. Six of the girls rented one of the larger apartments just above the one I rented with my roommate. Mine was on the bottom floor, and the smallest apartment in the complex. It had just one bedroom, for 2 renters, and had cinderblock walls. I loved my roommate. I can't count how many nights we starting talking in the bathroom while getting ready for bed, one of us washing our face, the other sitting on the side of the tub in pajamas, and somehow that conversation kept us talking in that tiny space for hours on end.m In the summer of 2000 she went home for the summer and I roomed with a girl I'd never met. We got along great as well and that summer was one of the funnest I ever had. The complex looks kind of like this one:

I lived in that basement apartment for a year until I went to Jerusalem in the fall of 2000. There I shared a room with 3 other girls whom I also grew to love. We lived in the BYU Jerusalem center and couldn't have asked for a better setting. Each dormitory room there has its own balcony overlooking Jerusalem. The hallways are open air with trees growing up into the sky and cobblestone floor walkways. My apartment number was 310 and sometimes we had dance parties there, mostly the idea of our roommate from Spain, at those times the apartment was referred to as "310 Underground."

Our semester in Israel was cut short by about a month so I didn't have a place to live in Provo. I moved in with my cousin Amanda and her husband Ryan. They had a small apartment really close to campus with an extra room and despite being newlyweds, were nice enough to take me in for the remainder of the semester.

In January 2001 I moved back into my basement apartment at Roman Gardens. I don't remember this time as fondly, perhaps I was tired of the atmosphere there, or maybe because things really took a turn for the worse with my boyfriend around that time too.

In May I went with BYU's archaeology department to a field school "dig" nearby Escalante. I lived in a tent provided by the department with one other girl. We had cots to put our sleeping bags on and besides that pretty much lived out of our duffels/suitcases. We went to bed not too long after the sun set and got up just before it rose. I felt healthier than ever then, probably because of being saturated in such a natural environment.

The dig lasted 2 months and then I moved back to Roman Gardens around the beginning of July. It was a larger apartment and I shared it with 3 other girls. The girl I shared my room with had also been my roommate in Jerusalem and I'd asked her if she wanted to room together again. I really admired her and she was lots of fun. I probably wasn't the best roommate then, I was still going through a hard time with my old boyfriend, he'd began dating a different girl in the complex and I hated seeing them around together. Then we began a sort of friendship again that often left me confused and hurt. I got closer to the other 2 girls in the apartment as well though and I think we all had a pretty great fall semester then. It was my senior year at BYU and that fall was the first and only one I went to any football games. We all bought tickets together and went to the games, painting our faces and shouting along with the cheers (though I admit I knew nothing of the game then.)

In January 2002 I moved to a different apartment complex with some friends from Roman Gardens. I had to "sell" the second half of my rental contract at Roman Gardens but I was lucky enough to get a buyer. The new complex was called The Academy and it was across from the old Academy building in Provo, that is now the city library. There were 4 of us in the apartment. I didn't like the complex as much because it wasn't as easy to make friends and there was no central place to hang out--no rec room, no courtyard, no pool, etc. I started dating my old boyfriend again and spent a lot of my time back over at the Roman Gardens complex. The Academy Apartments looked kind of like this building:

I graduated in April, but moved back to Roman Gardens for the summer. A couple of my old roommates were still there and I moved into the 4-person apartment I'd been in before. I had a job on campus and then swam in the pool or sat in the hot tub almost every day. I was looking for all sorts of different jobs, getting a little discouraged that I didn't know quite what I wanted to do or what I wanted to happen to my relationship. But I didn't want to stick around Provo and didn't feel like my relationship had much of a future. I took the job teaching English in Japan and left in mid-August 2002.

The school I was working for in Japan was privately owned/managed. At most times there were 3-6 teachers employed and we lived in the owners home. Her home was a more modern Japanese one, attached to her mother-in-laws much older home and a large room connecting them made up the "school" though most of the classes I taught were in smaller buildings throughout the area. I had a room up a very narrow set of stairs and hated that I could hear rats running through the attic most nights. The ceiling was paneled and sometimes I dreamt that the rats pulled back the panels and watched me sleeping. The town was considered the countryside of Japan, or in fact, more like the boonies, but houses were still packed together. The land was very green though and I loved being next to the beach and bamboo-covered mountains all at once. This is a scene of Toyohama:

I cut short my 1 year contract in Japan to come home in April 2003. My sister was getting married and I was ready to move back home. I stayed with my parents (who had moved to Ogden area just a month or so before I left for Japan) for just a few weeks before finding the house on 700 east that I moved into. I lived in that house for 2 years with 3 other girls. At first I was in the smallest bedroom upstairs but moved into the larger downstairs room after one of the girls moved out. The first year I spent a lot of weekends away, driving to Las Vegas or Hurricane (St. George area) to visit my college boyfriend. But I was already in love with the neighborhood, the perfect downtown location 2 blocks south of Trolley Square and 1 block north of Liberty Park.

This house quickly became my favorite place I've ever lived. I think I felt most free there to be myself than anywhere else. My roommates were wonderful and I began to go out a ton. I started my Master's Program at the U and started dating Tyler. I moved out in May 2005 when I got married. I still love to drive by that house.

Those are the places I've lived, between 1997 and 2005.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T17:53:00.003-07:00

What is half a year?

2009-02-11T22:52:00.005-07:00

Half a year is not enough time to keep you from waking me up 2-4 times a night.
Half a year is more than enough time to wait to hear you say ma ma ma ma ma ma.
Half a year is not enough time to not miss you when I'm away just a few hours.
Half a year is more than enough time to memorize how your body feels against mine, even as it changes from stick legs to thunder thighs and then to crawling ones.
Half a year is not enough time to forget how many hours I was in labor.
Half a year is more than enough time to return the CD April lent me for the hospital trip. (Um, did you want that back?)
Half a year, half a lifetime, is not enough time to give you all the love I want to.
Half a year, half a minute, is more than enough time to fall hopelessly in love with you.

The Suit-dress Incident

2009-02-07T15:52:00.004-07:00

Today we were shopping for Tyler. He needed some new clothes for his new job and Bailey and I were happy to be with him since we don't all get to hang out together often.

I love to shop for clothes for Bailey and I was thinking about when it would become not so fun. When will she start wanting to pick them out herself and when will I not like what she chooses? I'm not sure when it happened for me, but I can think of one time in particular, that just may have been the first.

When April and I were 8 years old we were baptized in the LDS church. Prior to that event we were shopping for dresses. This was kind of rare, usually my mom made our dresses. I know we usually got a new home-made dress on Easter most years anyway. My mom made my prom dress in high school and many of my Christmas dresses. She helped me sew my own wedding dress because I wanted a particular design that couldn't be bought.

So when we were 8 we were at Kmart and there were some lacy/ruffly dresses and then there was what I"ll call a suit-dress. I wanted the suit dress and my mom wanted me to have the lacy/ruffly kind. April was going for one of the ruffly kinds as well. I think I cried. I know I kept insisting that I liked the one much better. I know my mom would remember it as one of my most stubborn moments of childhood.

At the end of the shopping trip, I don't think we got the dresses, my mom said she would get them later or something? All I know is that I didn't yet know what decision she had come to regarding which one would be mine. April was settled with the pink ruffly/lacy dress, and there was a similar purple one that I think my mom wanted for me. I remember that I didn't find out until later that she had decided to go ahead and buy me the suit-dress I wanted. I'm sure I was happy, I remember that dress well. I remember the rule that I had to wear the jacket with it because the dress top was sleeveless. I know sometimes I took the jacket off, but I don't remember how often or if it was a big deal if I was caught.

Here is our family photo at April and I's baptism on 1987. I am wearing the suit dress I stubbornly desired. April isn't wearing the ruffly pink one in this picture, but that is the one she got.

These days I might be more inclined to go with the ruffly pink dress myself, I love to feel girly and being a mother brings it out more. Apologies to anyone in my family who may not appreciate having this particular photo of them posted, I am using it for demonstrative purposes only :)

All About Soul

2009-02-04T07:57:00.002-07:00

I was recently sent an article about how Billy Joel is the Worst Pop Singer Ever. It was pretty hilarious and I pretty much have to agree. Except I remembered later that I might have a few of his songs in my collection. And it turns out I do, one that I've liked the lyrics to since I was in middle school I think. I looked them up and it turns out I still like them. It's far from being a favorite song, but the lyrics to "All About Soul" give me a picture of the kind of wife I want to be.

She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain

It's all about soul
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul
'Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong
'Cause so many things gettin' out of control
Should drive her away
So why does she stay?
It's all about soul

She turns to me sometimes and she asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say

It's all about soul
It's all about knowin' what someone is feelin'
The woman's got soul
The power of love and the power of healin'
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
As she comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive

It's all about soul
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul
Who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow
You've got to be hard
As hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, It's all about soul
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Yes it is

More cereal please Mommy

2009-01-27T20:50:00.002-07:00

I just love the way it feels on my chin!

SFF 09 Part 2

2009-01-25T07:11:00.003-07:00

Sundance is over and I hardly felt part of it this year. Usually by day 8 or 9 of the festival I'm ready for it to be over because I'm so exhausted from all of the late nights and early mornings at my regular job. But this time I was ready for it to be over because I'm still lacking sleep each night getting up with Bailey and honestly, though I'd like some more "me" time, I wasn't that into it.

So I worked my shift and tried to be as helpful as possible. I saw a friend from my old work in the waitlist line for a popular zombie nazi movie and was happy to see that she got in. Then I watched while a bunch of volunteers got photos with Benjamin Bratt who was there as part of the cast for "La Mission." I heard that the movie was really good and it seemed that he was pretty friendly considering the amount of photos he was willing to be in and his good-natured smile.

When Tyler updated me on how Bailey went down for bed though I really longed to be home and started thinking about how much I'd love to leave early, just like all of the other volunteers that have driven me crazy as a manager in previous years. I didn't ask, and I didn't get off early because it was the last night for festival showings at the Broadway and we had to break down and inventory all of the equipment.

Still, I was happy to be a small part of the festival, and next year I'll look forward to seeing festival movies again. I did run into "the dude we see everywhere" again this year, he happened to be working at the Broadway on one of my shifts too, so I assured him that though I don't know him, my husband and I feel like we're his friends since we see him everywhere, and he was happy to hear that. : )

Also, Tyler and I did bring Bailey over to the Rose Wagner theater to show her off to the people I've worked with the last couple of years at the festival. Though I typically only see these people once a year, it was fun to say hi and get a quick update on their lives. Bailey was a doll for them of course.

SFF 09 Part 1

2009-01-23T07:19:00.003-07:00

In keeping with tradition, I feel compelled to write something about the Sundance film festival this year. However, this year is different in that I am only working a few shifts, primarily to maintain my alumni status as a volunteer so that I can work at my preferred venue in the future.

I'm also not seeing any movies. This is because with my part-time job shifts and Sundance shifts, I don't want to be away from Bailey any more than that. It's been hard to not let myself get too excited, but in the whole scheme of things, one year of missing movies won't kill me. It's always fun to just be a part of it and I usually only see a small portion of the over 100 films showing in those 10 days anyway.

So last weekend were my first two shifts. I was back at the Broadway instead of the Rose Wagner and I enjoyed the faster pace of it there. The managers brought to our attention that it's the one of two theaters at Sundance that has 3 screens running movies so it definitely has some of the most traffic. And I like that about it.

The first night the only thing of note to me was the Shorts program. A lot of cast and crew came for several of the shorts selected. One of them featured a young girl, my guess was that she was about 10 or 11 years old. She sat out of the theater waiting for the show to finish to back in for the Q & A afterwards. What impressed me about her was that she was sitting in the lobby reading the book "The Shack," something that's been on my reading list a few months now and seemed heavy content for a young girl. She was sitting out on the movie because the other shorts in the collection were more of the R-rated type while hers was suitable for most audiences. I watched her walk in when the show was finished and she carried herself so well, I immediately thought she must be a very bright little girl.

The second night I worked until almost 2 am. The midnight movie had already gained a lot of popularity despite only being shown once before so far at the festival. Then we got word that a very VIP person was coming to the screening. Security kept calling to notify us of how far away they were and to make the request that the theater be seated already so that they could sit in the back to be there for the Q & A afterwards. So after seating them, we calmly waited and then in walked Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon with a large entourage. I'm not a big fan of hers, but it was definitely fun to see her.

I just have one more shift to work this weekend and it will be over again until next year.

To Cry or not to Cry

2009-01-14T15:27:00.003-07:00

Yes I cry a lot, but this is not about me. This is about Bailey. Who is a very happy baby, who never fusses unless she's tired or hungry. Except at night. At night she is much more temperamental. In fact, more temperamental than any other baby her age that I've heard of. I'm talking 4 to 6 awakenings at night.

Bailey is not a good sleeper and never has been. And for the last 4 weeks I've been trying to change that, to help her learn how to soothe herself to sleep so that her frequent night awakenings don't require my assistance to go back to sleep. Sure she does still need to eat at least once in the night, but the story seems to be that she's waking up for attention also, as evident by wakings just after feedings.

Encouraged by her doctor at her 4 month visit, I began testing the waters of letting her cry a bit. With more and more people telling me of their good experiences with BabyWise or the Weissbluth book on sleep, I felt further encouraged to get Bailey started on a good sleep schedule. Most of the literature says to give it a good 2 weeks.

Over the last 4 weeks I've seen some improvements in her sleep, less awakenings at night and longer sleep periods. But I've also experienced nights where I listened to her cry for 90 minutes, and got up nearly every 30 minutes to help soothe her back to sleep. At first I was "visiting" her in her crib, as recommended by her doctor and others. These visits would be to calm her down and then leave again so she can put herself to sleep. However, it took several minutes to calm her down and although I wouldn't pick her up, she began expecting me to stay there, hand on her cheek, bent over the crib railing.

If the visits didn't prove effective, I'd pick her up and rock her or feed her back to sleep after 1 hour of crying. My doctor didn't believe that Bailey could cry for a full hour. Well she cried that long so many times that I think she learned a tolerance for an hour of crying. Now I'm not one to enjoy listening to my baby cry when I'm steps away and can get her back to sleep in minutes with a certain body part. But I was warned that if I did, she would learn to wake up for that even if she didn't need it.

So I'm still working on the sleep training as they call it. I have every right to have given up after 2 weeks, and believe me I've told myself I would many mornings, but I don't want to have wasted those tears of hers and mine, and each night I see an improvement in one area and maybe a drawback in another. She may sleep a rare 6 hours before her first awakening but then be up several times after that. Or she may cry for 90 minutes on her first awakening only to wake 2 hours later to be fed, but then go an uninterrupted 3.5 hours in the early am which is unheard of.

I keep doing it because overall, there have been minor improvements for the cost of those tears. And because each day I tell myself I'll just try one more night and then I re-read the passage pertaining to what I need and tell myself I've just got to keep doing it.

And nothing sucks more than this.

Perfecting an art

2009-01-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

In this case, that art is spitting.

And Secondly

2009-01-08T22:52:00.004-07:00

A follow-up thought on my Revolutionary Road post.

How can I profess to even want all of the things I say I do if every time I listen to the song "Castles in the Air" by Don McLean, one of my all-time favorite songs, I'm full of desire for the simplest life possible? (Preferably in this house in Teasdale.)

From "Castles in the Air":

But how can words express the feel of sunlight in the morning,
In the hills, away from city strife.
I need a country woman for my wife;
I'm city born, but I love the country life.

For I cannot be part of the cocktail generation:
Partners waltz, devoid of all romance.
The music plays and everyone must dance.
I'm bowing out. I need a second chance.

I mean, seriously, where do I get off saying I want to do all of these grand things and then say I might just be happy living in the heart of Utah's desert the rest of my life?

Revolutionary Road

2009-01-08T13:37:00.006-07:00

I don't like the book really, but I can't seem to put it down. The problem is that I don't like the main characters, they seem snobbish and shallow. They look down on everyone else. But I am driven by the idea that life often becomes exactly what you mean for it not to be and before you know it you may have sacrificed your dreams.

For example, I live in the suburbs and desperately miss being downtown. I recognize the benefit of a larger house, yard, and kids on the street for my kids to play with (but as we all know, I'm most crazy about the hot tub). I'll admit that Tyler and I get out quite a bit comparatively, but for me personally, it's been a rapid decline since getting married--less concerts, less walks, less festivals, exhibits, etc. So I occasionally lament these losses. But I'm trying to be part of my community here as well, which involves participating in things I never imagined myself doing.

On Sunday I went to church and listened to the women talk about ways to "simplify" our lives. They discussed 4 basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, and fuel (in this case, spiritual fuel). Then each gave tips of how to plan a menu, shop affordable clothing, and cut out things in our schedule. The irony is that they also announced the activities for the week and it seemed there was something every night, some class or lesson or social gathering that, while helpful or educational or even relaxing, was just another to-do on my calendar.

And while I do value recipe exchanges and child-rearing tips while men talk sports and work, I desperately wish there could be more talk about what makes us human. I wish there was more blood in these get-togethers.

And yet how can I decline invitations for some things I crave? I deem myself the snob for not participating in the neighborhood book club because their choices seemed all too fluffy. Feeling bad about that, I attended the get-to-know-each-other night in an effort to show my eagerness to be friends, and found myself saying things and talking about things I don't really care about just to be talking: "Yes I bought this eye-shadow at blah blah blah." "Yes I drive a blah blah blah."

When I picked out the book "Revolutionary Road" after seeing the movie preview, Tyler confessed worrying that it would make me feel more unhappy. His concern is validated by my fear that the price of happiness is to stop caring about your dreams. It may not matter if you never get to live someplace exotic with the person you love or if you don't have as many stimulating discussions as you'd like, or ever be as honest as you'd like on your blog and so on, but if that's what you want, must you give up on it to be happy? I'll probably end up realizing like the girl in "Love in the Time of Cholera" that I've been happy much of the time that I thought I wasn't.

So I guess it's kind of depressing, the book is, but reading it actually makes me realize how much I don't want to be like them. And how happy my relationships actually make me! I think I just get defensive when I sense a threat to an unattained dream. I am impatient to experience some of the things I want to experience and isn't that just as bad as being impatient to have luxuries that come after years of work?

Naked Ladies

2008-12-31T09:29:00.005-07:00

Naked ladies is a nickname for the flower Amaryllis, one of my favorites. I have my mother to thank for introducing them to me. I remember many holiday seasons where the flower was purchased just after Thanksgiving in time to bloom for Christmas or the New Year. Since being on my own I think I've still purchased an amaryllis every year to enjoy. I love them for being so fantastically beautiful, and because it all happens so fast. When the bud bursts open I feel kind of a happiness inside and hope for the future. I'm not sure why, I love other flowers too, but they don't quite affect me in the same way.

This year's is a "clown" amaryllis because it is red and white. Maybe 2009 will be better than 2008, or maybe this night Bailey will sleep better than last, I'll take either.

When I lived in Longview, Washington, I went to see the LDS temple in Portland, which I think blows most others out of the water for its unique shape and beauty. Also, because Portland is so rainy they have an atrium just within the doors, in the waiting area for pictures just in case the weather is not accommodating new brides and grooms. I sat in this atrium once while my mom was doing some temple work and an older gentleman who worked there came to chat with me. He told me the amaryllises were imported from South Africa, where they are native to. I was impressed because I've never seen a group of them together and it was really spectacular. I don't have a photo, but I vow to take one if I visit that temple again.

Bailey blue eyes

2008-12-30T12:47:00.002-07:00

Though I can't speak with 100% surety, I'm now pretty sure that Bailey's eyes are going to be blue. I love to dress her in blue to show them off even more. They are so beautiful! Why don't they make more blue little girl clothes?

It must have been a good Christmas

2008-12-28T22:08:00.003-07:00

Apparently Bailey enjoyed Christmas so much that she has learned to make fun squealing noises. I'm hoping she'll be asleep when we ring in the New Year, but she's practicing her squeals anyway.

Books read in 2008

2008-12-27T18:23:00.002-07:00

A Widow for One Year--John Irving
The Fountainhead--Ayn Rand
The Delivery Man--Joe McGinniss
Factotum--Charles Bukowski
Divisadero--Michael Ondaatje
One day in the life of Ivan Denisovich--Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Saving Fish from Drowning--Amy Tan
A Planet Called Treason--Orson Scott Card
The Rum Dairy--Hunter S. Thompson
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas--Hunter S. Thompson
Beautiful Losers--Leonard Cohen
Mayflower--Nathaniel Philbrook
Screamfree Parenting--Hal Runkel
Hypnobirthing--Marie Mongan
Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn--Nancy Simkin
The Colony--John Tayman
Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling--Richard Bushman
The Wilderness Journals of Everett Ruess

Erran Baron Cohen

2008-12-20T14:18:00.004-07:00

This morning on my way to the gym I heard a part of the NPR interview of Erran Baron Cohen. He is Sacha Baron Cohen's brother and a musician. He recently made an album called "Songs in the Key of Hanukkah" and the discussion focused on that. He talked about the need for updated Hanukkah music and of his experience with the New York City rapper Y-love, who recently became an Orthodox Jew and can rap in English, Yiddish, and Aramaic. My favorite part was when he talked about dressing up like Hassidic Jews with his brother and the song about sweating that they would sing as they took off layers of clothing. It was an entertaining story and I was tempted to stay in the car and listen, but I finished it at home, turns out I only missed a few minutes because it's just 10 minutes long.

While I think that the copious amounts of Christmas music there is and of Christmas albums marking the end of dwindling music careers, is a bit ridiculous, I happen to actually like a lot of it. But the idea of a new Hanukkah album really intrigued me and I checked it out. I guess listening to more global music makes me feel more part of the world. In any case, I really liked it and found it worth passing on to my readers.

Serious about sledding

2008-12-19T16:01:00.003-07:00

Bailey: "Should I hold really still?"

Caiden: "This is AWESOME!"

Bailey: "What did we just do Mom?"

Bailey: "I'm not sure yet if that was fun, but I'm glad you're holding me now."

Bailey is a tease

2008-12-17T10:45:00.004-07:00

If you haven't seen these pictures yet, I'm posting them now because I just love them so much!

"Alene usually eats 5"

2008-12-17T10:17:00.006-07:00

H.'s grandchildren were all at the funeral and most of them I hadn't seen for 10 years. The oldest son, A., recently came home from rehab in eastern Washington. I know he's having a hard time of it all while also trying to be strong for his single mom and for his grandma. I reminded him of some funny things he used to say and what a smart alec he was. He was 10 or 11 when I lived there. One time A. had spent the night at B. and H.'s and he and grandpa had picked up some donuts in the morning. When I woke up late and came out to the kitchen A. told me they'd gotten those donuts and he had picked one out just for me. It was a round donut with pink frosting and covered in sprinkles. A few minutes later B. came out and asked A. if she could have a donut too, to which he replied that there may not be enough because "Alene usually eats 5." Despite my penchant for donuts, I'm not sure that I've ever eaten 5 at one time in my life so I was as surprised as anyone else when he said that. I think of all those kids very fondly and though they hardly know me or remember me, there will always be a huge place in my heart for them.

The funeral was really beautiful. I've never wanted so badly to be able to give someone one last hug and not be able to, so I can't stop thinking of how much H.'s family must be hurting. At the cemetery it was very cold and rainy. We crowded as close together as we could. There was a gun salute for H.'s service in the Navy and they played Taps. I lost it again when they folded up the flag and gave it to B., thanking her for her husband's service, it was so beautiful.

I was grateful I could show my love and support to the family. Thank you to my Mom and Dad for flying me out there on their frequent flier miles and all the help with Bailey! I called them my Sherpas all weekend because they kept carrying all of my stuff for me. They also gave me a quick chance to see my brother's family in Kennewick, only a few hours away, and their children, including Bailey's new cousin Amber. Bailey was an absolute angel on the trip, sleeping through most of our flights and giving everyone lots of coos and smiles. I am so lucky to have such a sweet and happy baby!

2008 in Review

2008-12-16T22:47:00.001-07:00

But it did happen

2008-12-09T09:24:00.003-07:00

All of it happened. Eleven days ago H. walked himself into the hospital and yesterday he died. It was a complete shock to all of us and though I promised I wouldn't cry when talking to his daughter, the moment I opened my mouth I did. H. had 2 children, a daughter and a son who died in his early 20's. H. and B. moved to Washington to live close to their daughter who now has 5 children. He is the world to them as he was to his wife and daughter. I can't think of them without crying.

I knew them first when I was little. My twin sister and I used to visit their house just down the street and see their baby pigs. H. also reminded me that we used to sit on their laps in church and beg him to draw pictures for us, saying "make me a kitty-cat" and he would put his fist in front of our face and then open it up like performing a spell and say "Poof! You're a kitty-cat." Later he told me how he and B. would always quote something one of us once said: "I'm not talking to you again until next time."

The next time was several years later. My family had moved to Montana and they'd made a couple moves. My parents got in touch with them just months before all of this.

Here they are at my wedding reception in 2005. Fortunately I've gotten to visit them twice since then, the last time just last April. I was in Portland for a tradeshow and they were able to come down and see me. I am SO thankful for that visit!

I'll be heading up to the funeral this weekend.

Barbarian Invasion

2008-12-02T23:40:00.005-07:00

"Les Invasions Barbares" is a Canadian film that I saw a few years ago. It quickly ranked within my top 10 favorite movies. It is the story of a man dying of cancer. His doctor has given him a limited amount of time to live and he gathers around him his loved ones and family. It is a simple plot and a simple movie. It is not visually stunning like my other favorite "Great Expectations." It is not overwhelmingly discouraging and comforting all at once like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or heroic like "The Last Samurai" or "Alive" nor refreshingly troubling like "The Mosquito Coast."

In fact, it is sometimes surprising to me that I like this movie so much, but I do. The old man's son is among the group gathering for his death and preparing for it. He is not close to his father, probably because he resents his father for straying from his mother. Also among the group is a fellow college professor, the ex-wife of main character, and 2 of his former lovers. Most of the movie is spent with the characters reminiscing over their pasts and their love of life. Some of the movie deals with the use of heroine for pain. I just love the way they talk of the passions they've shared, the theories they supported or thwarted, the way they viewed love and relationships and how they evolved for each of them.

As I write this portion I'm tearing up because I will soon be visiting a dear friend who is at this time experiencing his own barbarian invasion. He is probably the best person I've ever met in my whole life. H and his wife have been married for 49 years. He built their current home and then built another one onto it for their daughter and her 5 children.

H and his wife took me in when I was 18 and pregnant. I lived with them when I gave up my baby boy for adoption 10 years ago. I remember many times that H stopped and helped someone on their way. I remember him always volunteering at his grandchildrens school. I remember his stories of the military and of moving his family across the nation. I remember his stories of religious conversion. I remember stories of pain. I remember love and concern expressed and oil changed and windshields scraped. I remember sometimes having to shout to be heard and sometimes impatiently hoping he would drive faster. Above all, I am not sure I ever felt more loved in my life than I did then and I owe them everything I am for that.

Tonight my mom called and told me that H's doctor gave him 2 more weeks to live. He has a golf-ball sized tumor in his brain that very little can be done about. I don't know yet what I'll do, but I know I would love for him to see my baby Bailey. I know I would love for him to know how much he means to me.

Just because it 'is,' doesn't mean it should be

2008-11-28T22:02:00.002-07:00

Tyler and I were able to go see the movie "Australia" Wednesday night when it opened. In the movie, Nicole Kidman's character says the line: "Just because something 'is,' doesn't mean it should be." I loved that line.

I'm an idealist and so I know the exact sentiment she was expressing. If something could be so wonderful, why would we be happy with anything less? Of course this sentiment can lead to a lot of disappointment for me when I'm not willing to just be happy with the way things are. And it can often be confused with a negative attitude instead of one that aspires for better.

But I think there is a strength and tenacity to someone who insists on becoming whom they want to be or making what they want out of their life, despite the obstacles. That's why the movie Gattaca is one of my all-time favorites. Vincent has a dream and will not give it up for anything.

Another movie I love, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" deals with an opposite theme, the theme of not trying to be something that you're not. The Pumpkin King does Halloween best and clearly ruins Christmas when he attempts to do that.

So, although contradictory, I think it's possible for people to do what they do best and not try to be something that they're not while also striving with all of their might to fulfill their dreams.

Silly as it sounds, and I may regret this later, I believe that's why I'm like the John Locke character on LOST. You know the episode where as a child he's asked which items represent him in a pile? And he keeps choosing the knife, but it's clearly not him. But he wants the knife to be him. He wants to be a hunter.

I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want to be something that is most likely out of the realm of possibilities for me. But who can tell me that I shouldn't try? Who can make that call that it's just not for me, when I am still a believer that anything is possible?

Aren't all things changeable? Aren't all things possible if it means enough to you to make it that way? Just because things are a certain way doesn't mean that's the way they should be or that we should accept that. After all "Don't go placidly among the apathy and lethargy" is another line I live by. (See the whole poem 'Desiderata Too' in this post).

Scouts and Navy Seals

2008-11-20T12:46:00.003-07:00

Recently I was named Den Leader in my local cub scouts organization. I don't know much about scouts except that all my brothers had to do it. At some points my sister and I were jealous of the things they got to do, learn to waterski, earn a merit badge. Sounds like a lot of fun, especially when you compare it to the LDS Young Womanhood award we had to get.

I remember feeling jipped that I never got to do a 50 mile hike and in fact I still haven't. I plan out long backpacking trips in my mind all the time, something like the "Wine to Waves" trip (Napa to San Fran), or "Rim to Rim", or something in the 4 corners area allowing me to see Hovenweep, Mesa Verde, and Canyon de Chelly.

So anyway, I started out with a requirement that included discussing 2 great Americans that had served their country. One of my choices was Michael Durant, the blackhawk pilot that was held in Somalia for 11 days by enemy forces. I loved reading his book "In the Company of Heroes" and hearing how his friends would fly by blaring his favorite AC/DC songs so he'd know they were out looking for him and wouldn't give up. I also loved the background he provides about Delta Force and Navy Seals. He says the following quotes about the organizations:

"They were the kind of professionals who could pick off a rabbit from a roller coaster with a BB gun."

"They will accept any challenge, professional or personal. They fight like panthers on speed, and when they're done, they party as if they've been pent up all day in a cage."

I love how easy to visualize those descriptions are and the admiration for him that his compliment reveals. I think it impressed the group of 9-year-old boys I had too. Hopefully I can keep scouts exciting for them.

Bodyworlds and athleticism

2008-11-11T14:25:00.004-07:00

I went to see the Bodyworlds exhibit last Friday with April and my mother-in-law Valerie. I was really looking forward to it because I remember reading "The Agony and the Ecstasy" and learning how Michelangelo had broken into morgues so that he could dissect bodies to learn how to more accurately draw them.

Being kind of a health freak myself despite the amount of sweets I eat, I love learning about my body. I've always felt that our bodies are so incredibly capable that we should make the most use of them that we can. What a shame to waste the ability we have to walk, run, dance, etc. And what a shame that most of us don't have the freedom to be out hiking around all day.

Anyway, I absolutely loved the exhibit. Three things really stuck out the most for me. I loved seeing the development of babies and the reproductive organs of adults. Having recently had a baby I am still in awe as to how it is that their bodies grow first inside the womb and then outside. It is truly amazing.

I also loved seeing the IT band, a bundle of fibers running down the outside length of your leg. My IT band occasionally gets sore from working out and I'm forced to roll it on a hard cylindrical foam-type roller at the gym. My former yoga teacher taught me how to do this properly and I assure you it hurts like a mofo, but it gets the job done.

Most of all I was impressed by the heart, the star of the whole exhibit. What I was surprised to learn was that all hearts are not proportionately sized to the person. While most people's hearts are the size of their fist, some have abnormally large hearts (such as Lance Armstrong) and the heart can also grow with exercise. Some of the hearts shown in the exhibit were so huge I could never imagine room for them in someone's chest. It was inspiring to see how powerful the heart is and how hard it works, and also to consider what more I can do with my body.

I never did sports growing up and am not really cut out for them to be honest, my coordination is not the best, nor my strength or speed. Being an "athlete" was never something I really aspired to, I think other learning is more important. But, the more I do with my body, the more I realize how connected it is to my mind, and how disciplining one strengthens the other also. And I love the way athletes can show their excitement through their whole body!

In a history class at BYU my professor assigned a book called "Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism." I don't think Michael Jordan is the most iconic athlete of our time or the most admirable, but I love this quote of Harry Edwards' that is referenced in the book: "If I were charged with introducing an alien life form to the epitome of human potential, creativity, perseverance, and spirit, I would introduce that alien life form to Michael Jordan.”

To me, it just says that there is much more to athleticism than physical ability, and it inspires me to strive to reach my potential.

(I also noted that considering that the majority of the bodies donated to the Bodyworlds exhibit were those of old scientists, I think it quite generous of the artistic team to pose them as such incredible athletes.)

Bailey's got skills

2008-11-09T09:11:00.002-07:00

If you don't read Tyler's blog, I've posted the same video he has of Bailey reading. I've been reading to Bailey almost everyday since she was born because even though she can't understand, I heard it would help her learn words in her future. She seems to have picked up the skill, because now when I open a book she talks away.

I was also surprised to see her roll over from her tummy to her back for the first time by herself on Friday, just shy of 3 months old! She is just determined to be grown up.

I Drink Your Milkshake

2008-11-06T20:06:00.003-07:00

Tyler and I love all movies done by PT Anderson, especially last year's "There Will Be Blood." Well a parody was done of a scene from the movie where Day-Lewis' character is talking about how his drill gets oil from land that isn't even his. I've embedded the video, which is hilarious. (If you're using an RSS feed, you'll have to visit the actual blog to see the video)

I was reminded of it tonight when we were sitting eating some pizza watching the game and I said out loud that I wanted a milkshake. Tyler went into the kitchen and came back with a milkshake he had bought for me and one for him and one for Caiden too. He had picked them up when he got the pizza, before I had even mentioned wanting a milkshake. He must have seriously read my mind.

Bailey's first snow

2008-11-05T22:19:00.001-07:00

Well she seems to have liked it, but we weren't out there for long.

Michael Crichton is dead

2008-11-05T13:39:00.003-07:00

I read a few of Michael Crichton's science fiction novels, but my favorite book was an autobiographical one called "Travels." My boyfriend teased me for liking it so much but it was fascinating. Crichton's undergrad degree was anthropology and then he went to medical school. He began writing then and it helped pay for his way through, but eventually became his profession.

In the book "Travels" he tells of various experiences in medical school, a little about some of his 5 marriages, and about travel around the globe doing research for his novels. It includes adventures like shark encounters and visits to pyramids, but is far more an introspective book than a recounting of things he's done. He questions why people do things the way they do or think the way they do. I loved his discussion of western medicine's limitations by sticking to rational explanations only. He seemed ready to embrace any concept he was introduced to, viewing it as information not in contradiction of other information, but merely just another set of information.

Though I consider myself pretty open-minded, the book truly helped me recognize the narrow scope through which I see the world and how to further expand it. Clifford Geertz is actually my hero in this field, but Crichton seems a bit more approachable and I enjoyed his non-academic perspective.

I may not be ready to go around fluffing up other people's auras (as he had done to him once), but I'd happily explore the psychology behind illnesses or alternative medicine and hopefully not discount the explanations given by people of other cultures.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T17:21:00.002-06:00

Bailey was happy her Grandma Speer got her the pink leopard outfit that her mom wanted because it was perfect for the last East high varsity playoff game. Their mascot is a leopard and the school colors and red and white so pink was a close match. Unfortunately, she slept through most of the game so she didn't get on TV like I thought she surely would have if the cameraman had got a glimpse.

Caiden went as an astronaut and for the first time I enjoyed being able to come to his Halloween class parade since I've always been at work before. He was a little too cool for the helmet, though I can't blame him since the extra stuffing in the top elongated his head, giving it a shape more like a knight's helmet.

I can't fight this feeling anymore

2008-10-23T11:26:00.003-06:00

Okay okay, so I wish I was a more interesting person myself, but it can't be helped that I only want to blog about my kids now.

I was proud to make a dessert that Caiden thought was really cool. Straight out of Parenting magazine was the jello with gummie worms idea for a Halloween-type treat.

Here is Caiden and Bailey in Halloween costumes before we went on the Haunted Canyon train ride. She loves her big brother so much.

Then the other day I was making a cake and out loud lamented that the recipe didn't indicate if it was a 1 oz package of pudding mix to use or a 3.5 oz package of pudding mix. Caiden commented that cooking required math and then told a clearly made up story that went like this:

"Yeah, this girl was making a cake and the recipe just said 2 of something and so she put in 2 centimeters instead of 2 cups."

And I thought that was an awesome story.

And besides that Bailey and I went to our last East high game of the season last night. The sophomores don't have playoffs so only the Varsity will continue for another week or two depending on how they do. The night ended in tears, but not because I was sad it was ending. I love football season, I really do. I just get stressed out after a couple of months of it. I complained to Tyler how I was sick of driving everywhere by myself and sitting by myself to watch these games, which isn't always the case. Truthfully though I normally love to be able to do something by myself occasionally. I've been known to go to movies by myself, go on long hikes by myself, go out to eat myself, etc. It's just that I get tired of doing it all alone this time of year. It will be nice to have him around in the evenings again.

9009

2008-10-18T06:55:00.003-06:00

Caiden had some friends over the other day and they were playing in the other room. Caiden came into the room where I was to show me what he had made. He proudly presented this paper saying "right now it's the number 9,009 but if I erase the comma then it's just nothing" (I guess he thinks it must have the comma).

Guessing what was coming next, I tried to be patient and to stifle my laugh. He said "But if you turn it upside down it says..." and he started laughing himself and couldn't say the word boob out loud.

Bailey's Blessing Day

2008-10-15T17:08:00.002-06:00

Bailey looked absolutely beautiful. My mom made her blessing dress and we laid her on the baby blanket I got in Israel, made in Bethlehem. She was so soft and sweet as always, but it was as if she truly felt special in that dress (though her face suggests that she's just very curious about the camera).

Afterwards we had a get together at the house with our families who had come to celebrate her life as well. Since I've often spent Sundays outside the parameters of "keeping the Sabbath day holy" it's ironic that I was frustrated at just how un-ceremonial the day began to seem. I wanted to feel connected to everyone there and for it to truly be a day to ponder and discuss the potential that each life has. And because that didn't happen I felt a little disappointed, or maybe just kind of alone.

There are so many opportunities I want for Bailey and I guess I wanted the chance to show that better, or even more just to feel understood. Why do we so often say those things, but never talk about them specifically? Why do we practice religion, but rarely discuss why it does or should fulfill us or what parts of it do?

I am always craving more intimacy. I want so badly to understand others and be understood. I want all of my relationships to be ones where I am always growing closer and learning more about the other person. I hope I can be close to my children. I hope that they also find a kind of closeness with others that gives them an even stronger sense of identity, allowing them to find meaning in all of the things that they do.

Modern Kangaroos

2008-10-07T16:22:00.002-06:00

Another great t-shirt found:

It says:
1 Drink Holder
2 Pen Loop
3 Joey Pouch
4 Additional Accessory Storage
5 MP3 Player Pocket
6 Phone/PDA Pocket
7 Key Hook

This one comes from Threadless

Israel 2000 scanned

2008-10-04T12:39:00.003-06:00

I recently scanned my collection of photos from the semester I spent in Israel. It was something I've wanted to do for a long time. It turns out I've finished just about the same time that my experience there took a drastic turn 8 years ago.

It was right around the beginning of October that fighting broke out in the Old City at the Temple Mount. The Temple Mount has of course long been the source of great contention, but this was different, especially considering that it had been more peaceful there in recent years than ever before. Shortly after it began, we got on a bus for our scheduled field trip to Jordan.

From that point on our semester itinerary would change at any moment's notice. We rearranged field trips and had an extended stay at a kibbutz and resort at the Sea of Galilee. For one week we were not allowed to leave the Jerusalem Center building at all. Eventually, we came home one month earlier than planned. It cut short our classes and I never made it to the pyramids of Egypt, but I will never forget many of the things I learned as well as just what it felt like to be there (and I can still recite the Muslim Call to Prayer since I heard it 5 times a day). I can't wait to take my family there someday.

I lost most of the emails I sent from there and a few years later I lost the set of scriptures I had taken there and marked up with copious notes. I've cried over those losses plenty of times, but am grateful I have all of these pictures. And I would never trade that semester over any other more peaceful time in Israel. That's why I love the Bible so much anyway, it's full of passion and war so why not have my experience there be like that too?

Here is a link to my collection on flickr. Middle East photo collection
In the photo at Petra I'm in the middle in red. (Some of you may only know me with dark hair or light hair).

Bailey loves football

2008-10-04T12:29:00.003-06:00

Especially East High football. She sometimes sleeps through it, but at the Varsity game last night she was wide awake and anxious to show everyone around her the cute little skirt on her red pants. She loved staring at the stadium lights above us and just bounced on my lap for a good portion of the game.

Nectarines

2008-10-01T17:18:00.005-06:00

I feel a little uninspired lately. Part of me is resisting this mold that I think others are expecting me to now fulfill as a mother. Or perhaps it's self-imposed. I want to be a wonderful mother. I just am not sure I'm ready to give in to having a total mom-blog. Nor does being a mother mean I no longer have the dreams I had before. I'm perfectly content to just stare at my baby all day long, to read to her, make her smile, kiss her, take her picture, and hope that she's happy. But I fear that my dreams of living an unordinary life, one of adventure, will seem muted and consequently ignored if I show any sign of them letting up.

(Also, I believe people are defined by the things they actually do, not things they say they will. So I don't like that the person I like to think of myself as, seems to now only exist in short periods of time.)

So I actually got mad at Tyler the other day for not eating some nectarines I bought. Ridiculous, I know, but it came out of a fear that our children will be resistant to trying new things. Caiden won't eat a nectarine when I suggest it for a snack, and I think that if maybe he saw his dad do it, he would. But they're both in the habit of only eating bananas or apples for fruit and whenever I come home with something different, I alone will eat it. After the discussion, Tyler agreed to eat various fruits.

Besides some of those feelings of confusion, I have to share some just a few amusing things.

I met April for lunch at a new restaurant recently. She arrived a few minutes before me and had already gotten her meal. When I brought mine to sit down at the table with her, we discovered we had ordered the exact same thing, same salad, same sandwich.

Instead of playing chess with his Shrek chess set, Caiden now lines them up as football teams and practices his plays. Shrek, as you might guess, is the team's Center because he's the biggest.

Bailey is getting pudgier and more adorable all the time. So of course I had to include a picture of my buta-chan (little pig).

Just like her Daddy

2008-09-26T21:43:00.002-06:00

I think she looks just like Tyler but he says her smile is from my family. I'm leaving you to your own conclusions.

Prez Dispenser T-shirt

2008-09-25T14:26:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I've seen plenty of funny campaign t-shirts in the last several months, Urban Outfitters seems to always have the best, but I saw this linked on the site www.iliketotallyloveit.com and had to post it.

Playing Dressup

2008-09-15T21:24:00.003-06:00

As a kid, my sister and I used to like to play dress-up. This was always a little more fun at our friend Shelby's house because her dress-up clothes seemed more princess-like. But we had a small collection too and wore them out sufficiently I'm sure. I believe even the most tomboy of girls likes to dress up nice occasionally. I also believe that the less you do it the more fun it is, though now I wish I had more opportunities.

Saturday was my cousin's wedding at the Gallivan Center downtown. I knew it would be absolutely beautiful because I love the Gallivan Center. I've rode my bike through the fountains at night numerous times and watched movies from the grass there. I've enjoyed many outdoor concerts there during the summer and one very snowy concert there in the winter. One beautiful night I saw Arlo Guthrie perform and I sat on the edge of the little pool that is an ice rink in the winter, dangling my feet in and enjoying the performance.

So I knew it would be a great night for dressing up. Problematically, I'm not quite fitting into many of my old clothes so I had way more fun dressing Bailey up. At first I'd thought I'd be dressing her up all the time, changing hair bows, painting her face for the games, etc., but onesies and nighties quickly became the norm out of convenience. And of course, to me, she is irresistible as she is. Still, seeing her with her little bow and shiny bracelet make me want to do it more often. She is such a cutie!

Trailhead Tailgating

2008-09-15T13:31:00.003-06:00

Not exactly the sport of the season, but I couldn't resist sharing this short list from Outside magazine, courtesy of my mother-in-law.

Here is the text:

Outside Etiquette
On Tailgating at the Trailhead
1. The time spent riding or hiking must be greater than that spent hanging out at the car.
2. If there's beer in the cold stream and you didn't put it there, leave it.
3. Car stereos are acceptable, unless you have a subwoofer or a blown speaker.
4. Joining a Hacky Sack circle is fine; owning a Hacky Sack is not.

Football Attempts a Coup

2008-09-12T11:43:00.005-06:00

It would be easy to let Bailey totally hijack my blog, she is pretty much my entire life right now, but football is making its best attempt at a takeover.

Every Thursday afternoon we go to the East High sophomore games where Tyler coaches. Last year we also went to the varsity games on Friday nights because he helps out there too and those games are more exciting. Caiden particularly likes the varsity games because the concession stand is open at them. As you can imagine, for most kids, buying food or candy at the concession stand is more fun than actually watching the game.

Here are some recent conversations with Caiden at the games:

Caiden: "Do you like watching the sophomore games even though there's no food?"
Me: "Yes, I like watching the games. I come for the game, not the food. What about you?"
Caiden: "I like watching the games too, but sometimes I'm starving."
Me: "Even though we bring snacks or eat snacks before hand?"
Caiden: "We brought snacks?"
Me: "No, but today we had snacks after school before driving over here."
Caiden: "Oh."

Caiden: "What are cheerleaders even for?"
Me: "To get the crowd excited."
Caiden: "Well they're not making me excited."

Bailey doesn't care about the concessions, but she likes being outside and that's fun enough. She's also trying to quickly gain a few so she can start wearing her game outfit. She actually likes going to Caiden's games a bit more though because we don't have to sit on the bleachers and she can lay on a blanket on the grass. Admittedly though, she is the center of my attention at the games even though I love watching them and being there.

Testing the Big Bang

2008-09-09T22:54:00.001-06:00

My favorite book read for a college course was probably "The Structure of Scientific Revolutions" by Thomas Kuhn, a Physics and Philosophy professor at UC Berkeley, Princeton, and finally, MIT. My class was Symbolic Anthropology at BYU. I littered the margins of that book with copious comments and notes, and I would love to take another look at it, but it too was damaged in our basement flood.

Generally I'm not a fan of hard sciences. I'm not even much of a fan of science fiction unless it somehow addresses the conflicting overlap between free agency and destiny which fascinates me. And of course, I'm crazy about the show LOST which does science fiction very well.

But I loved the book because it seemed to be more about how people think and make decisions than about scientific paradigms. He talked about how shifting paradigms is a decision made based on the new paradigm answering questions better than the last, but the decision is largely aesthetic, it is usually initially made within about 3 seconds.

Somehow reading this article about trying to re-create the Big Bang brought that book back to my mind. Apparently there is some concern that the experiment could cause some very negative effects, or even bring about the end of the world, but I don't see how the experiment could not be done once conceived. I am too much like Eve, or for a more modern example, like Clive Own in "Closer"--if we could know or understand, why wouldn't we want to? Regardless, it's being done tomorrow and I'm anxious about what we'll discover, even if it takes years for anything to come.

Two Weeks Later

2008-08-26T17:59:00.007-06:00

I still am not convinced sometimes that Bailey is really mine. Mine to keep. To hold all that I want. She is so sweet. I wish I had more energy and didn't feel so disconnected from everything right now, but even when she's napping and I haven't held her for a few hours, I can't wait for her to wake up so that I can hold her again.

She is so responsive too! I can't wait to hear the things she'll say and watch the things she'll do, even though I'll miss her being a baby. She likes to be in the swing and she likes to be outside when it's not too bright for her to keep her eyes open. Naturally, she also loves to be up all night, despite my body language.

Today we had Bailey's first follow-up with her pediatrician and everything the doctor told me made me feel so proud. About what a good eater Bailey is and how healthy she seems to be growing, what good coloring her skin has and how alert she is. I can't take credit for these things, but it makes me feel proud.

Caiden clearly can't wait for her to grow up a little more. He is especially anxious to help feed her I think because he's persistent about asking why can't she use a sippy-cup yet and when can she? A few days in a row I explained that she doesn't have teeth yet, can only drink milk, my milk has all of her nutrients, etc. and that she can only suck. After a few days of that he came back with--"but can she drink milk out of a sippy-cup?" Yes, he's very persistent.

A Poem

2008-08-22T14:54:00.003-06:00

I don't consider myself a big fan of poetry. The truth is I don't really know much poetry at all, but I get turned off by stuff that seems too sappy or too sugar-coated. Every once in a while I come across something that strikes me as truly honest, or raw in its approach. This one suits me perfectly right now.

New Mother
By Sharon Olds

A week after our child was born,
you cornered me in the spare room
and we sank down on the bed.
You kissed me and kissed me, my milk undid its
burning slip-knot through my nipples,
soaking my shirt. All week I had smelled of milk,
fresh milk, sour. I began to throb:
my sex had been torn easily as cloth by the
crown of her head, I'd been cut with a knife and
sewn, the stitches pulling at my skin--
and the first time you're broken, you don't know
you'll be healed again, better than before.
I lay in fear and blood and milk
while you kissed and kissed me, your lips hot and swollen
as a teen-age boy's, your sex dry and big,
all of you so tender, you hung over me,
over the nest of the stitches, over the
splitting and tearing, with the patience of someone who
finds a wounded animal in the woods
and stays with it, not leaving its side
until it is whole, until it can run again.

An Evil Walk

2008-08-20T15:37:00.004-06:00

I was beginning to feel a bit like Boo Radley and decided Bailey and I would go for our first walk. We've been out every evening for Caiden's football practice and she really seems to enjoy it, but this time I wanted a little exercise. I really can't think of the last time it's been 7 whole days between some kind of exercise. On vacation I bring my jumprope or go running. I worked out the morning of my wedding and was last at the gym two days before Bailey was born. My guess would be that it has been about 8 or so years since I took a 7 day workout hiatus. Yes, I'm an addict.

I made Caiden come on the walk with us, and since he's not keen on sweating, and can be fairly over-dramatic, I thought all of his comments were laughable.

"Are you trying to hike across the whole valley?"
"Do you even know the way home?"
"I'm getting dehydrated."
"I need to turn around."
"Are you even sweating?"

When Caiden's friends came over to play later, he told them he'd been on a walk for "...like an hour and forty minutes."

I do feel kind of bad because it had to have been pretty boring for him, and it was hot, and we did sweat, and it was about 45 minutes. Still, I try to avoid being an evil stepmom. He wore his Heely's and glided a lot of the way so hopefully it wasn't complete torture for him.

Becoming Bailey's Mom

2008-08-15T17:16:00.007-06:00

Bailey came on Tuesday morning. Just like her mom, she has to do things her own way, in her own time. And she likes to do things the hard way, she would never think of hitching a ride to the top and hiking down for fear of missing something on the way up. So she took her time.

She wanted to scrap all of the prepared methods: the playlist with Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work," the script for Daddy to read me about exploring Osaka on my own. She wanted to start in the middle of the night. She wanted her daddy to be a complete part of it too and I will never forget how wonderful it was to have him there for me.

Thank you Tyler for helping me prepare for this. Thank you for letting me collapse into your arms after each contraction and for stroking my hair. For wrapping me up in the middle of the night to walk me out to our hot tub and whispering encouragement in your every breath. For getting me to the hospital with all of my things and being my every support there still. Thank you for speaking for me, for knowing what I wanted. Thank you for practicing with me so that even though we didn't use everything we planned, I was able still to totally relax between contractions and have the birth I wanted for my baby.

I love being Bailey's mom. She is so beautiful and everyday is more beautiful than the last. I look forward to every future moment with her while I treasure each one I have now.

Half Court

2008-08-10T10:18:00.002-06:00

This morning the HB and I are watching the Olympics basketball games. Maybe our baby girl will learn something in utero. She does plenty of athletics herself, usually around midnight. During a quick break they were showing how popular NBA stars are among the youth in China and I was reminded of playing basketball in Japan.

When I lived there I went to church at an LDS "branch" some 40 minutes from where I was living. The meetings were held in a rented building downtown where one floor became our church on Sundays. Occasionally, the church members would have a social get-together to play sports and socialize outside of church meetings. It was a very small group, and an even smaller group among us that would play sports when we did get together. There would be a handful of Japanese and then a few English teachers and a couple of missionaries. Apparently, Mormon missionaries have a rule that says they cannot play basketball full-court but can only play half-court games while on their missions. The LDS Branch President was very fond of basketball and would get very excited about these games. He didn't speak much English, but he would get a grand idea and say loudly, "okay okay, let's play, the Americans, versus the Japanese!" very dramatically as if that would make the game very very intense. The missionaries would always respond okay, but they can only play half-court. Finally the Branch President, tired of trying to fight the rules, suggested this: "You say half court like one half, two half" indicating a bisection in the court as it would normally be played. "But I say half court is one half, two half" and he demonstrated with his hands how "half-court" could mean playing only the middle portion of the entire length of court.

The missionaries were very faithful to their rules and we ended up playing the traditional half-court, but we laughed about the suggestion for weeks and how happy the idea of surreptitiously playing full court had made our Branch President.

Besides the Pink

2008-07-31T14:51:00.002-06:00

Amidst baby shower, work party, birthing classes, and baby room preparing, you'd think my life is all awash in pink. I just want to tell my boys how much I love them though and how studly they are. Tyler's been working hard on basement repairs. The goal is to get Caiden off the couch and back into a room downstairs and then finish the rest up when the baby comes. Here's the HB post-insulation-installation into the walls downstairs.

Then Caiden started football on Saturday and last night was the first practice in full pads. He's been wearing the shoulder pads around the house for a week ever since we picked them up, but here he is in full practice gear (minus the helmet of course).

I love you guys!

Not so "Yummie"

2008-07-25T18:49:00.003-06:00

Recently I read 2 articles that really got me thinking. One was about Yummies--that is Young, Urban, Mormons. The other was about black women's marriage rates rapid decline. The marriage article talked about how black women far outnumber black men who have gone to college. It talked about how their marriage partner choices were more limited because men in their demographic didn't meet their standards and though many of them wanted to be married, they are beginning to believe that marriage is only for white people.

I can't help but relate to how this is happening to Mormon women everywhere and that I believe there is a growing chasm between young women in the religion and other members. It seems that more and more young women in the future will be looking for relationships outside of it due to a lack of place for them within. I'm not talking just about marriage prospects or saying any of these women are clamoring for certain authority within the religion, I just don't think they have people to relate to or men their equals to partner with. (Please insert all disclaimers you can possibly imagine here--i.e. fulfilling marriages don't have to be between totally equal partners or matching demographics, etc. etc.--I recognize and value differences).

I was going off on this idea because I consider myself quite modern and extremely independent and because I see a need for change. However, it was when I shut my mouth and looked at my husband that I realized how ridiculous it must all seem when I'm sitting with him at the table, 9 months pregnant, barefoot, with salsa spattered all over my shirt. I am not Young, Urban, Mormon. I am a defender of individuality and independence, but in truth, I am traditional--I want to stay home with my children, I expect my husband to be a leader and role model for my family. But overall, I hope that together we can encourage our children to think for themselves and expect of themselves what they expect of others to have fulfilling and rewarding relationships.

Ode to "the Main"

2008-07-17T10:58:00.003-06:00

Having recently moved from downtown Salt Lake City, I rode my bike to my new local library--a county branch. What followed were the most depressing moments of my weekend. The place was a crap-hole, tiny, and I imagined all of the guests there were pedophiles. I couldn't imagine finding a book I wanted to check out there because the selection seemed so small and I feared the books were all crap that I didn't want to read. The librarian reassured me that if they didn't have what I wanted they could certainly get it from another branch. But who goes to the library to only have to go home empty-handed and return on another date? I did however leave empty handed and promptly ordered a new read from Amazon. For now I'm going to keep up a visit to the downtown branch because the atmosphere there is so much more stimulating. Perhaps the library quality in the suburbs is why people don't read as much anymore? I certainly can't afford to buy all of my reading material on Amazon when I go through 3-4 books a month!

So here is a photo tribute to the "Main" library downtown in the city network of libraries. It's where I studied all during my graduate work because there my mind felt more free than in the campus library of plain walls, box rooms, and no windows. It's where I attended arts fests, lectures, went on walks, brought out-of-town visitors to see, browsed books, wrote papers, etc. Sometimes the HB would stop by and say hi to me when we were dating and I had lots of homework to work on. I love walking up the outside stairs and visiting the roof-top gardens. I also love the little children's play areas in the downstairs.

Paternity Envy

2008-07-11T12:16:00.003-06:00

Yes I have paternity envy. Not what you'd think it to be exactly, not totally envious that he doesn't have to have swollen feet and difficulty breathing, but envy over his paternity leave. Why is it that I don't get 1 single paid day of leave while my husband gets 12 weeks paid leave? It's because they're giving him a week for every year he's been with the company and he's been there 10. Then, they're giving him 2 additional weeks if he agrees to come in a few times a week and make sure things are going smoothly since he is the only person in his position at work and the place can't quite run without him. As for my own lack of leave, I can only blame myself for switching jobs so often, but I can't help feeling there is something wrong with this picture.

Of course I'm excited for myself to quit working for a while--a few months off is what we've saved up for because I can't bear the thought of leaving my infant in day care so I can go to work. But somehow the HB's 3 month paternity leave still makes me jealous even though it's great for him. The truth is, I want him around to help and to be with me and hopefully we can find time to do some fun things together too during that leave. But with the notion of me not having to head out before him each morning (as it has been for the past 3 years), packing my gym bag the night before, I was imagining many mornings of him getting ready and me dragging him back to bed for some action, some slight protesting from him and then giving in fully to my desires. Of course this can happen while he's on his leave, but not in the same way I'd imagined. So now I just have to adjust the fantasy a bit.

Venetian Blinds Tee

2008-07-11T10:43:00.002-06:00

This t-shirt actually has a string you can pull on for ventilation. Why don't they make it in maternity???

Othello Relaxation

2008-06-25T10:37:00.002-06:00

In preparation for labor, I've been listening to a CD my sister-in-law lent me on hypnobirthing. There's a track called "Rainbow Relaxation" that's an exercise in visualization. The woman's voice talks you through each color of the rainbow so you can imagine yourself being wrapped in each color, floating on it, making love to it, whatever. I kind of like it, but it's almost too fluffy for me, like the idea of a heaven that's all clouds and angels, it sounds boring. Does relaxing have to be boring?

So I'm still listening to it, but in my mind I'm going through a theatrical adaptation I once saw of Othello. In high school I attended a drama convention where we got to see a series of plays or short plays done by the other high schools, one of which was this 20-minute adaptation of Othello. They didn't use the Shakespeare script, only the plot, and there was no speaking at all. They didn't really dance, but the entire thing was set to music and props were minimal. They had a black backdrop and in front of it on the floor several paint cans opened, each with a brush on top. Each color of paint represented a different character in the play--White was for Desdemona, Red for Othello, Green for Iago, and so forth. Each character also had a corresponding colored handkerchief they kept in their hands while on stage.

What made this adaptation beautiful was the solemnity of each stroke painted on the plain black backdrop. First we saw Desdemona paint half of a heart with the white, then Othello paint the complementary half in red. Then Iago comes onto the stage and paints a huge green streak right through the heart. And the play proceeds until at the end the backdrop is a mess of brightly painted lines, looking chaotic as paths were intersected, loyalties betrayed, and murders committed. And somehow, the whole thing is beautifully relaxing to me.

Touch Me I'm Going to Scream Pt. 2

2008-06-20T21:25:00.002-06:00

My new favorite song, performed by My Morning Jacket on Conan

The Grace I want to Have

2008-06-08T16:25:00.002-06:00

I recently finished another Ondaatje book, this one called "Divisadero." It was excellent. I was particularly touched by a certain passage about a parent's perspective. The father accidentally catches a glimpse of his daughter in the garden shower with someone other than her husband.

Cursed with omnipotence, he had seen the blunt truth of their romance. The girl he had carried in his arms during a childhood nightmare now had the needs of an adult.....There were nights when Lucien startled himself awake at his daughter’s wildness. How had she, the one daughter he had known as obedient and well mannered evolved into such a person? Was it simply that Pierre was the man she demanded above every other principle? There was this live coal of desire on her tongue that had altered her, so that she could no longer be sheltered by the husk of a family. And he realized he loved even more this proud indelible daughter, his Flammarion companion, who had leapt beyond him into the life of this dangerous stranger, a man he was unable to like except through the knowledge that Lucette had placed herself in the cup of his hand, just as she had bent over and moved back into his body, defenceless with pleasure in the garden shower.

I thought it was beautiful how the father was able to let go of any need to control his daughter and instead marvel at the woman she had become independent of him. There are a lot of things I want to emulate as a parent and a lot of ideals I have about the relationship I want with my children, but the one I want most is for them to feel loved rather than feel that rigid adherence to certain codes are more important than showing love. And I hope that I can admire their evolution into themselves as much as it might be different than I'd hoped it to be.

Celebrity Dreams

2008-06-06T11:52:00.003-06:00

I hear celebrity dreams are common though I've never really had them before. Here are two I had this week.

Weezer playing dream

I dreamt that Ty and I were playing in concert with Weezer the pork and beans song. We were sitting in the stands, waiting for Weezer to take the stage and I was really nervous. I was going to play the guitar. Finally our moment came and we went up and played that song, and like half of another one, then they did one more song, but we just stood backstage, and it was all just the recorded version being played while some animated thing showed on the screen. Then we were done and we went back to our seats and I was saying that I thought we would have played longer, but what cuold I expect when he let us nobodies play with them? And then another band came on.

Christian Bale dream

I was on a crowded open boat deck, like a ferry, but the deck was all old and wooden looking. Tyler was with me and suddenly in the crowd I saw Christian Bale. He was brushing past us and I said "Hey! Christian!" he turned and looked at me, but as I started to walk towards him, he turned the other way, dismissing me as a fan looking for an autograph. But I quickly said, "I just want to ask you something," and he came right back--it was true, I just wanted to ask him something. He came right up to me and I turned and looked at Tyler, then back to Christian and said to him "I'm sorry to bother you, I was just trying to think of the name of that movie that you were in that was kind of a science movie? I think you transported something to a different time? Or I think you transported something to a different dimension, do you know which one I'm talking about? I just couldn't think of the name and then I saw you...." It was driving me nuts that I couldn't think of what movie it was. He kind of looked at me and then got that crooked smile and said "Yeah, I know which one you're talking about...but I can't think of the name of it either!" And then he kind of leaned in and kissed my cheek, like a greeting kiss, so I kissed his and he walked away. It wasn't romantic, it just seemed ordinary. Then a huge storm came in and Tyler and I went to find a safe place to kind of stand on the deck.

For the record, I have no idea what movie that is I was thinking of and I'm not in love with Rivers Cuomo or Christian Bale, though the HB might not object if I was in love with Rivers.

Oil paintings and Watercolors

2008-06-01T17:08:00.000-06:00

The HB and I went for a little hike recently to a place called "the living room." It was a fairly short hike behind the U of U campus right above the Salt Lake Valley where people have made a "living room" out of stones overlooking the valley. There were a number of chairs, some benches, and some ottomans as well.

It was a bit overcast which killed the possibility of evening out my tan, but made for perfect hiking conditions. As we got up above the valley and were able to look down on it I remarked that what was all around us was like an oil painting because the clouds made the colors so rich and that out over the valley was more like a watercolor because it was washed out and a little hazy as we looked west. I much prefer oil paintings to watercolors, though sometimes I love the subtlety and fluidity of watercolors, like some of Vettriano's work.

My preference for the oil paintings is how I see my life overall--I like vivid, raw, honest experiences, nothing measured, nothing held back. When I was in Israel and spent a lot of time studying the Bible I found I had a clear favoritism for the Old Testament for the same reasons. The Old Testament is far more colorful and vibrant than the New Testament, just as the city of Jerusalem is surrounded by much more passion than the city of Nazareth in the Galilee area to the north. I loved the 2 weeks I spent on the Sea of Galilee, they were peaceful, beautiful, relaxing and enlightening, but the dirty Old City of Jerusalem, practically pungent with blood, spices, sweat, smoke, etc. made me feel much more alive.

I get frustrated with life when I feel I'm living a less than passionate life. When the monotony of work and everything takes over and nothing gets me worked up, inspired, or fulfills me. I feel guilty saying that because I actually get out a ton, and I constantly push for more and more experiences. I'm just glad that some very patient people love me.

Inaugural Barbecue

2008-05-28T18:40:00.003-06:00

One week after moving into our new home we hosted our inaugural barbecue. I was excited to have my entire family be together for a weekend to celebrate the little (much taller than me) bro's high school graduation. Tyler was excited to make his famous ribs for us and show off our big back yard--we love it despite my thinking that it's blasphemous to have so much lawn in the middle of a desert. Brian and his family picked up a slip-n-slide for us to play on while it was hot out and I tried not to look too much like a seal while I tried it out.

Even good times kind of stress me out a little too though because I kept wishing I could just sit and catch up with each of my brothers, but it seemed that every few moments something had to be taken care of. Most likely this is just in my head though and I loved that I was able to indulge myself in some talk about my growing belly and some honesty about growing up.

We wrapped up the party with a little Rockband, nothing could seem more appropriate than that.